The Speech [with apologies to John Clarke]

Guest Post

Ahem. Quiet please; ladies and gents, a bit of quiet, please. Settle down. Settle Down!

Thanks very much. I thought I’d say a few words on this auspicasich…aucspictitious…ah, on this bloody big occasion. The occasion of course, and as you well know, being the stunning, and not-in-a-nice-way, miracle of success by the Coalition Of Losers On-the-Night, which, ah, of itself, is a bit of a mouthful, I think you’ll agree, so we’ll just call it the COLON.  

Anyway; I ran the words I wanted to say about the COLON past her-indoors and she said I couldn’t use them, ‘Never get published’ she said, ‘Never get past the moderators’, so I had to come up with some others.

Thus I thought it best to present the miracle of the COLON using an an-allergy, which is very similar to an analogy except it will upset some people, for which, if it does induce tears, I am deeply dubious, in advance.

The COLON’s nuptials were like any other wedding, in that there was imbibing, insincerity, unfortunate compromises and inviting people along that you don’t really want there; regardless of which it was considered by some a sort of Holey union. ‘Dernsy thought Winnie said Wholly-Union; that’s one of the reasons she went along with it, and one of the reasons it won’t end well.

Anyways; back to the story. Seems it was in Galilee, somewhat north of Darfield, according to King James Version when “the mother of the Labour Party was there: And both Winston was called, and his disciples, to the marriage. And when they wanted wine, the mother of the Labour Party saith unto him, ‘They have no wine.’

Winston saith unto her, ‘Woman, what have I to do with thee? Mine hour is not yet come. I’ll announce it on the Television.’ The mother saith unto the servants, ‘Never mind him; he goeth without Cigarettes much, but: Whatsoever he saith unto you, do it.’

And there were set there many waterpots of stone, after the manner of purifying of the Jews from Murray McCully, containing two or three firkins apiece. Winston saith unto them, ‘Fill the waterpots with water.’ And they filled them up to the brim. Thus the firkins, though protest not much; were verily displaced and displeased much.

Firkin; Annoyed.

Then he saith unto them, ‘Draw out now, and bear unto Bill, the governor of the feast.’ And they bare it. When the ruler of the feast had tasted the water that was made wine, and knew not whence it was: (but the servants which drew the water knew;) the governor of the feast called Winston, and saith unto him, ‘Every man at the beginning doth set forth good wine; and when men have well drunk, then also that which is worse: but thou hast kept the good wine until now, whilst mine is Vinegar and Bitter. Your choice tho.’

Thus the beginning of miracles did Winston in Cana of Galilee do, and manifested forth his glory; and his disciples believed on him.

Except the Firkins.



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As much at home writing editorials as being the subject of them, Cam has won awards, including the Canon Media Award for his work on the Len Brown/Bevan Chuang story. When he’s not creating the news, he tends to be in it, with protagonists using the courts, media and social media to deliver financial as well as death threats.

They say that news is something that someone, somewhere, wants kept quiet. Cam Slater doesn’t do quiet and, as a result, he is a polarising, controversial but highly effective journalist who takes no prisoners.

He is fearless in his pursuit of a story.

Love him or loathe him, you can’t ignore him.

To read Cam’s previous articles click on his name in blue.