Advice to Santa: avoid the Jacinderference

Guest Post: By Brian Rogers

First published 08/12/17 SunLive.co.nz  

newsie.co.nz


We don’t want much from Santa this year. Not in the material sense.

Here’s some advice for the big guy, and we’re getting in first before our new PM tries telling him how to run the show.

Because if she thinks she can boss Australia around, she’ll have her sights set on the North Pole operation and the antics of the elves. Just a bit more Jacinderference on the world stage.

Clever as he is, being capable of superdupersonic world travel and feats beyond the grasp of mortal science, Santa would be much better employed turning his talents to more meaningful endeavours such as negotiating world peace, find a cure for cancer, taking Bishop Tamati aside for some tough love, and tracking down Amelia Earhart.

What’s in a cliche?

If that is too much to ask, then maybe he could arrange to put a stop to the nauseous cliches and sayings that are driving us mad.

The first to go, and the most irritating to RR loyal readers, is the ‘Bucket List’.

From 2018, anyone still uttering this term should have the bucket put on their head and have it repeatedly beaten with a bat. It’s just not funny or clever anymore and probably never was.

‘On trend’ is nonsense. Something is either trendy and in fashion or it’s not. Maybe this is supposed to be some fancy schmancy French word, in which case it would be pronounced “on tronde” and spelt as en not on. We will not accept any correspondence on this issue. If you have a beef with it, talk to my old French teacher Mr Ducker. I didn’t learn much from French class but I did learn not to bastuerdise their language.

‘To be honest’ is one of the most irrelevant phrases ever. Anyone who slides this into a conversation should be made to start again from the beginning to give honest answers from the get go. This phrase suggests that everything that has passed their lips up to that moment has been a load of bull.

Be especially wary of politicians who use this phrase.

‘From the get-go.’ Lambast anyone who uses this, especially in that previous paragraph. ‘

From the start’ is better, to be honest.

More acceptable than ‘being perfectly honest’ is ‘to be perfectly frank’, but even this should only be used if you are actually Frank and have a multiple personality disorder. In which case it’s good practice to clarify who you think you are at any given time.

Remember if you change roles mid-conversation to announce that you are now Francine, Doris, or whoever.

Practice and practise. Get it right. This is not rocket surgery. One is a noun, practice, the event. The other is the practice of practising.

Ditto, licence and license. You will be tested on this, so pay attention.

‘Decent day’. We do not need to hear this 15 times in a weather forecast. Unless there are indecent days, forget it. Dan Corbett, we are looking at you pal.

Here’s some alternative and much more weatherly descriptions: A stunner. Fine as a well-honed filleting knife. Hot and sticky as a Hamilton whorehouse (could also describe an indecent day).

‘People that…’ instead of ‘people who…’

If you are talking about persons, they are who, not that.

‘Tiny house’. Unless you are a hobbit, there is no such thing.

There are cottages. Small homes. Caravans. Cabins. Baches. Huts.

‘Rogue wave’. There is no such thing. All waves can be rogues if your boat is small enough or ill prepared. Rogue waves have become the new excuse for poor seamanship.

‘Quality time’. A poor excuse for not spending enough time, of any sort, with those important to you.

‘Working on your business and not in it.’ Early warning phrase that should have you running like the wind away from these people who are about to bombard you with the most tedious and ineffectual business advice since Ricky Gervais starred in The Office.

‘Forgot something at home’ – this makes it sound less like you left something at home and more like you forgot about it altogether when you were at your home.

‘Basic’ – a simple teenage term to say something is lame.

‘Zero chill’ is a teenage way of saying someone has done something unforgivably lame or you aren’t popular.

‘The event will kick off at’ – the event won’t be kicking anything, nor will it be ‘seeing’ things.

‘Let’s do this.’ This applies to any ill-thought out plan, another bastuerdisation from the Nike shoe company. Various other meanings include ‘let’s tax this’ and ‘let’s help Australia do this’ – a warning sign that there is likely to be more Jacinderference in the months to come. Let’s just hope she doesn’t feel the need to Jacinderfere with Santa and his programme.

We just have time for a touching Christmas story…

Christmas cheer

A couple were in a busy shopping centre just before Christmas. Wife suddenly noticed husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, she called him on the mobile.

The wife said: “Where are you, you know we have lots to do.”

He said: “You remember the jewellers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?”

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up… ”

Yes, I do remember that shop,” she replied.

“Well, I am in the gun shop next door to that.”

 


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