Getting a measure of mid-life crisis

Guest Post: By Brian Rogers

SunLive.co.nz

newsie.co.nz

Some articles are timeless and can be enjoyed even years after they were first published. With Brian’s blessing we revisit, ‘Getting a measure of mid-life crisis’


After celebrating a recent lifestyle milestone, it has come to my attention that I should be in the midst of a mid-life crisis.

Maybe it won’t happen or, perhaps I’ve been in a permanent crisis since Teddy got left in the sandpit at Whakamarama School in 1963.

Wayward friends are telling me I should be getting a large motorcycle, a new dog, a tattoo, boat or taking a world cruise.

Most of those suggestions have been ruled out due to budget constraints and I’m not over the old dog yet. The motorcycle also suffered due to budgetary limits. Besides, I have enough problems keeping the office scooter pointed in a safe direction, let’s not compound the issue with any real horsepower.

That only leaves the tattoo.

Now my mother always said I couldn’t have one. But you know how it is, when you reach 50 and are in mid-life crisis – started when I was seven and hasn’t let up – there comes a point when you do things just to spite your mother. Now seems as good a time as any.

Most tattoos are pretty useless, unless you happen to be in the habit of getting on the wrong side of the law, in which case the police find them useful in helping to identify you.

I’ve always thought it would be a good idea to have useful things tattooed on one’s body. Such as a return address, in case a person gets lost regularly. It would have worked for Teddy. This would only work in cases where your address didn’t change, however. Otherwise, there’s the risk of being delivered back to the old house. But it could be dangerous; especially in the case of my old school buddy whose former family home is now smack in the middle of the motorway.

Getting your woman’s name permanently inked is a popular idea. They are prone to change now and then though; so the idea of tattooing a partner’s name is fraught with possible future complications. Some guys I know wouldn’t have arms long enough.

Now a really useful tattoo, however, would be a tape measure – stretching from the tip of the longest finger, up the arm.

How often do we need a ruler, but just don’t have one “to hand”, so to speak?

We all have a foot or two, so that measure is easy and convenient. And a hand, although not much use unless you plan to measure a lot of horses.

So wouldn’t it be really handy to have a series of graduated marks permanently engraved on one arm, for all those day-to-day measuring tasks?

Not necessarily accurate to the last millimetre, but better than the ‘Eyecrometer’ can manage and a whole lot better than guessing.

Handyman tasks around the home and office; working out whether the furniture will fit through a doorway; even a quick measure of fish – the possibilities are endless.
Imagine the benefits for builders, dressmakers and other creative souls.

Assuming that our bodies are not going to change in size (children, don’t try this at home, your arms haven’t stopped growing) but having reached 50 I reckon there’s a pretty good chance I’ve stopped growing – so a ruler ‘tat’ up the left arm sounds like the perfect mid-life addition.

**If you’ve got a useful tattoo share your creative genius with our readers 

The size of fish

In other news, the fishing is about to hot up again and here at RR headquarters, we reckon it’s about time the minimum size of snapper was increased.

Currently, it’s legal to keep a snapper of just 27cm, which is crazy.
I don’t know any self-respecting fishos who keep snapper any less than around the 35cm mark. For starters, it just isn’t worth the drama of filleting such a tiny fish.

You see these pathetic little snapper in the supermarkets, they’re all head and tail and would be much better left to grow to a decent size.

MAF need to whack up the size limit to at least 35-40cm.
And if you can’t tell if your snapper is legal, it’s about time you got a fish measure stick tattooed up your arm.


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