The humourlessness of Dizzie Snivelly

Dizzie Snivelly has written a column at the NZ Herald telling us all how to behave around millennials.

I read it so you didn’t have to.

However, she has shown just how miserable and whiny millennials are, and why you should do the exact opposite of what she suggests. We don’t exist to placate Generation Snowflake…I certainly don’t. I get immense pleasure from winding them up.

So, here is what you must not do around millennials…according to Dizzie Snivelly:

While some will burst into tears at the very mention of injustice, others have prematurely staunched the oxygen flow to their hearts quite successfully.

If you fancy a spot of beneficiary bashing, first ask whether your millennial specimen is a member of Young ACT. If so, proceed with reckless abandon. If not, you should be safe asking them what they’re watching on Netflix.

Millennials, as you likely already know, speak a language of their own. If you hear us uttering the word “queen”, for example, we don’t mean the actual queen. We mean Beyoncé. Or potentially Michelle Obama.

Similarly, if you overhear your millennial saying that something is “lit”, don’t worry – they haven’t become a part-time arsonist. It may pay to download the Urban Dictionary app and consult it every time something unintelligible emerges from a nearby millennial mouth. Then again, it may be safer not to. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

And then there’s the good old millennial existential crisis.

If one of your millennial guests is going through a period of ‘finding themselves’, resist the urge to ask them about their five-year plan.

Their own Instagram feed asks them what the hell they’re doing with their life on a regular basis. The idea of ‘keeping up with the Joneses’ seems like a quaint, harmless pastime when you compare it to the pressure of keeping up with the perfectly curated lives of friends, colleagues and acquaintances on a daily basis. Give them a break. It’s Christmas.

Far worse than a slightly wayward millennial is one who is performatively obsessed with paleo, keto, or any other fad diet du jour (with the exception of those who follow such diets for medical reasons).

If a millennial wants to bring their hot new diet home for Christmas, they need to take responsibility for it for the duration of its stay under the family roof. If diet options for Christmas dinner are demanded, the dieter should be quickly made aware that they will be providing such options themselves. That’s paying for and preparing.

Cooking a turkey is stressful enough without having to worry about a paleo alternative for duck fat potatoes.

Lastly – and it must be said – steer clear of jokes that rely on race or gender to deliver a laugh. It may have been funny in your day. Times might have been different then. We might be “too bloody PC” these days.

But racist and sexist jokes will be likely to have the overwhelming effect of making millennials think that their teller is a plonker. And no one wants to be thought of as a plonker.

All of this may have led you to the not-totally-untrue conclusion that we millennials can be a bit precious. I’m not here to defend us. I’m merely here to give you an insight into how to keep the peace when Christmas morning rolls around.

If all else fails, wine helps. Merry Christmas.

I think she means whine.

Merry Christmas and a Happy Fuck you, Dizzie.


-NZ Herald

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