Yes Prime Minister – Let’s do this

 

Guest Post

In a Galaxy ( Well NZ actually), far far away ( well 6 months ago) This didn’t happen:

“Look Andrew, I know that you are so unpopular that even you now realise that you cant get Labour into power in the coming elections. But Clarke and I are doing IVF because we want a kid – and he’s tried before with his ex’s and apparently they are not up to the job – so we have decided to go IVF. That’s a big thing for us and I don’t feel that I can assume Party  Leader because its all so stressful and my focus is on getting pregnant”

“How long does this IVF thing take before you get Preggo?”

“Well its said usually about 12 months. And it is very expensive”  

“The elections are in 6 months – you still have 6 months in the tank after that. Labour wont win with me – and probably not with you either – but we’ve got a better chance with a good looking chick fronting  the same old policies than me, a gruff old union bully boy with a face that only a mother could love. Well in my case, another person’s mother”.

“But I don’t know anything about being a Leader – or even becoming a PM! No-one in Labour does!”

“That’s all good – I hear Aunty Helen is coming back from the UN – she’ll be your go to person. And also, H2 is back as well so we will get some input from her. “

“But we won’t win anyway – all the policies Labour tried before failed to get any real traction – no one wants Capital Gains Tax and even I don’t with my two houses!”

“Pfft – people will believe anything that a cool looking chick says. Look at that Trivago ad.”

“Oh well, ok. I mean, you are the leader so I guess you must know what you are talking about!”

***Dream Sequence and Surreal Montage…..**

..Andrew Little Steps Down/ Jacinda reluctantly takes Leadership role/ MSM goes bat shit over such a young and knowledgeable woman becoming leader/ Womens Magazines from around the world pay her $Gazillions for photos and interviews/ Clarke Gayford gets back into the celebrity limelight/…IVF consultant confirms she is pregnant  and is “pretty sure” it’s from the “batch” she supplied them with….

“So Jacinda, I’ve had a chat with National – and they don’t seem to be that keen on making me Deputy PM if I go with them. What have you got to offer if I make you lot the government?”

“Oh look Winston, I’m sorry but this has all come as a bit of a surprise to me really. Look, I don’t think I can go into negotiations with you because, well, I’m thinking of chucking it all in – I’M PREGNANT!!! (*happy clappy motions/ big smiles/ dancing a jig and awaiting Winston’s response)

“What? Well that’s great Jacinda. You’ve just given me the one piece of ammo I couldn’t find – but anyway, that’s the best news I have heard all year! Now we can BOTH have what we want and get it without any real effort!”

“What? What are you talking about? I don’t want to be PM because its too stressful and I’m pregnant! Besides – we don’t  have any policies that will fly! I mean I’ve tried blagging away CGT and even looked at something called water tax – the public don’t want it! And we have that Greens lot wanting to make everyone walk and eat grass. How would that go? No-one is going to go for those sort of things!”

“Look Jacinda. Don’t worry about that. The NZ public will believe any crap that you – I – say. Tell them you will build 10,000 homes to solve the housing crisis. Tell them you will plant 1 Billion trees in 10 years.  Take away that $1,000 tax cut for everyone and say that only the rich will benefit  and tell them the money will go into more WFF for the plebs. Get  the students to vote by giving them a free year of education – bugger it, give them another $50 a week to spend on fags and booze. Don’t worry about the numbers – Robbo hasn’t a clue anyway so he’ll just spend time trying to work out how to pay for it – but we will be in power by then anyway. But, this is all sideline stuff. If you want to get Labour into government – it WILL happen if I give you the nod. “

“Yes – but I’m PREGNANT!!! And I know nothing about being a PM – let alone a mother! How can I do both?!?!?!”

“Simple. Here’s a document  have prepared. All you have to do is sign it – and then deny it exists. Basically, all it says is that you will make me Foreign Minister and Deputy PM. And here’s the beauty – what I couldn’t figure out is how to roll you out of office in 6 months to become PM – but you have just given me that missing piece of ammo.

You get to become NZ youngest female PM with no experience. You get $500K a year – but you keep the pregnancy secret until the New Year.

I’ll chuck another few pages into the secret agreement to cover that – and that you will make me Acting PM when you go to offload the sprog.

Get to the New Year – announce you are *SURPRISE* pregnant. The media will love it! The magazines will be throwing you money for photo’s. Even better – get engaged and announce a wedding while you are on maternity leave – Woman Day will probably cough up a million to cover the expenses in return for “exclusive access”.

Keep the masses engaged by saying you will only need 6 weeks leave then you are back to the job – but, during the leave you say that “because of extenuating circumstances” – or something like that – you will be taking another 3 months. Family first and all that.

Then you resign as PM – I take over full time. Andy will get the shits – but you resign from parliament – I’ll get Andy to stand in Mt Albert – even HE couldn’t lose that one, then he’ll get promoted to resume Leadership duties but not as PM.”

“Sounds good Winston, LETS DO THIS!!!!”

 

-Name withheld by request


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As much at home writing editorials as being the subject of them, Cam has won awards, including the Canon Media Award for his work on the Len Brown/Bevan Chuang story. When he’s not creating the news, he tends to be in it, with protagonists using the courts, media and social media to deliver financial as well as death threats.

They say that news is something that someone, somewhere, wants kept quiet. Cam Slater doesn’t do quiet and, as a result, he is a polarising, controversial but highly effective journalist who takes no prisoners.

He is fearless in his pursuit of a story.

Love him or loathe him, you can’t ignore him.

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