Emperor Mal’s Sharri law bans office bonking

“No sex, please: We’re politicians”. Illustration: Bill Leak/The Australian

From Utegate on, it seems that there is never a political scandal that Malcolm Turnbull’s arrogant ineptitude can’t blow up into full-scale crisis.

Deputy Prime Minister, Nationals leader Barnaby Joyce has been shellacked for the past week, after journalist Sharri Markson broke the news that Joyce had knocked up a staffer, and dumped his wife for his doxy. The rolling scandal has become yet another crisis for the Turnbull government.

But Fizzer’s latest effort at damage control has knocked the matter out of the ball-park of bumbling incompetence, and right into the outfield of hilarity.

In the normal course of politics, a senior politician found up to his waist in hottie water would be thrown overboard, and the ship of state would sail on. The problem for poor old Mal, though, is that his government is a coalition, so his Deputy PM isn’t from his own party. It’s up to the Nationals to give their leader the shove or not – and so far, they’ve plainly decided not.

Denied the recourse of sacking his coalition partner, Emperor Mal has decided instead to surround himself with a parliament of court eunuchs.

Malcolm Turnbull has … declared an immediate ban on sex between ministers and staffers.

If the perennially tin-eared Turnbull thought that that would be the end of the matter he is, as is usual, sadly mistaken. Turnbull’s #bonkban is provoking much hilarity.

This will be known as Sharri’s Law – Catherine Overington.

Turnbull looks weak and duplicitous, again:

In implementing the sex ban, which was understood to be backed by some senior conservative ministers, Mr Turnbull backflipped on comments he made last week dismissing a similar proposal that won support in the US.

“Adults can conduct their ­relationships, if it’s consensual, ­respectful, that’s their right. But all of us have to be accountable for how we live our lives,” Mr Turnbull said last Friday.

Hypocrisy is naturally also the order of the day:

Bill Shorten yesterday escalated his attack against Mr Joyce and the government, demanding Mr Turnbull intervene to sack the Deputy Prime Minister

This would be the same Bill Shorten who dumped his first wife after he knocked up the Governor-General’s daughter.

In fact, given politicians’ demonstrated proclivity for inter-office shagging, probably the most immediate effect of Turnbull’s bonkban will be a devastating outbreak of parliamentary blue balls. Canberra’s doctors and nurses had best be on standby.

“Administer 25mls of hand cream – stat!”

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Who is Lushington D. Brady?

Well, a pseudonym. Obviously.

But the name Lushington Dalrymple Brady has been chosen carefully. Not only for the sum of its overall mien of seedy gentility, reminiscent perhaps of a slightly disreputable gentlemen of letters, but also for its parts, each of which borrows from the name of a Vandemonian of more-or-less fame (or notoriety) who represents some admirable quality which will hopefully animate the persona of Lushington D. Brady.