Jacinda’s letter to the US leaked?

DRAFT letter from NZ PM Jacinda Ardern (intercepted via MFAT)

Dear Ambassador Scott

I haven’t seen your buff rump near the Beehive lately so I thought I’d write you this discrete note. I’ve got some stuff on my mind and just wanted to clarify a few things. This note is just for you and I really must insist that you don’t show this note to your colleagues in Washington. I think your colleagues Nikki Haley, John Bolton, General Mattis, Mr Pompeo and, of course, your “professional arsehole” President Donald Trump may have forgotten about us Kiwis.

There seems to have been a tiny little oversight, which I wanted to bring to your attention. New Zealand Aotearoa seems to have been left off your no-trade-tariffs list. We hope this is just a Washington oversight because of New Zealand’s strategic and economic irrelevance to the USA, and not the start of anything more serious. Surely, America wouldn’t really follow through with Nikki Haley’s assertions that it is now “taking names” of those countries who vote against its interests within the hallowed halls of the almighty United Nations. Surely, Nikki Haley is just virtue signaling and, like us, will work with anyone.  

Scott, we understand that Washington said Australia wouldn’t be subject to any US trade tariffs because they are America’s loyal strategic ally, and a partner in policy, and they uphold the human values that you vote for at the UN Human Rights Council. We can also see how you view Canada in the same light. But, I’m confident you will turn a blind eye to our different voting record of late because trade is more important than “values”. Am I right or am I right?

I’ve talked with my colleagues in MFAT – the guys who worked hard with the Honourable Murray McCully and our mates from Senegal, Malaysia and Venezuela to push through UNSC Resolution 2334 against Israel and we are worried that maybe, just maybe, we might have pissed off America somehow. But, we can’t understand why and it hurts a little that you seem to be ignoring us. Perhaps Nikki or another of your spokespeople could say something nice about us next media appearance, just like we’ve got praise from our good friends in Hamas, UAE and Saudi Arabia.

Scott, to tell the truth, we’ve had a sphincter tightening over the last week wondering whether, just maybe, you folks might actually mean what you say. Especially when you actually cut funding to UNRWA and the PA and actually left UNESCO. That seems a little harsh we don’t mind that UNRWA has helped terrorists or that the PA pays to slay Jews or that UNESCO rewrites history. We’ll work with anyone. Why should it matter if we have no more respect for your values, your allies or your interests than those of our buddies Iran, Malaysia, Senegal, Venezuela and Russia? Surely you also put trade ahead of values. To be honest, we are starting to feel like you aren’t as progressive as we are.

Why can’t we just continue with how it has been? I mean, we virtue signal so well, right?! Who really cares that we haven’t cooperated with you strategically or militarily for decades and have completely divested ourselves of military working tools to the point that we are technologically irrelevant as a naval, ground, air or cyber power? So what if we can’t really help hold back threats to the former Western alliance, which we used to be a partner of? You still have our back and the Aussies are just next door. Thanks, by the way.

Just between you and me, we didn’t set up a farm in Saudi or start sending delegations to Iran for nothing. They love our livestock and we can make some good coin from packing the critters on boats with some feed. And that UN vote against your decision to move your embassy to Jerusalem is little different to how we lectured your ally Australia about defending their sovereign decisions about Manus and how they protect their borders. Except that UN vote (and 2334 and the other 17 anti-Israel UN votes we cast last year) also make us look like we’re totally opposed to Israel and that makes our Arab trading partners happier to buy our animals. You see, it’s not personal. And besides, those UN resolutions aren’t binding so let us virtue signal and strengthen our trade all at once. You have to understand. Just don’t let it upset our relationship. We’ve not had any repercussions in the past and we don’t see any reason for them to start now.

So, how about a little understanding and tolerance from you and your colleagues? Could you throw us a bone like you’ve done with Canada and Australia? Just ignore our different behaviour at the UN and let’s get on with selling you some of our tasty Halal lamb.




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