Satire: Two inspiring social enterprises making a difference

Guest post:

In today’s series on local Wellington businesses making a difference, we talk to two social enterprises doing groundbreaking virtue signalling.

These two companies are remarkable as they employ refugees at the expense of ordinary citizens. It just goes to show how discrimination can work when put to a virtue-signalling cause du jour.

First, let’s talk with Peach Cafe’s Clara Mead.

Clara Mead suffers from an inability to read cookbooks.

Tell us about your business.

CM: We are a social enterprise that spends taxpayer money to hire refugees that no sane person capable of understanding world events would want in the country.

How do you get away with blatantly violating New Zealand’s employment discrimination laws with your business by implying you only hire refugees while New Zealand citizens are not welcome to work there?

CM: Let’s face it, if the left didn’t have double standards we wouldn’t have any standards at all.

Do you offer discounts to victims of crime as a result of refugee resettlement?

CM: Absolutely. We love our victims-of-refugee-crime customers! For instance, if you were raped by a refugee we’ll offer you 25% off your falafel order if you bring in your rape kit. We also have the same deal for anyone who lost a relative in a truck attack or stabbing, except without needing the rape kit of course! (laughing).

What about crimes like home invasion and car jackings as we’ve seen Sudanese refugees doing in Melbourne? Would that qualify for any discounts when it starts happening here?

CM: Right now, we don’t have any discounts for other refugee-caused crime. We’d suggest people stop being racist by noticing these things and enjoy some of our fair trade organic falafel to support our efforts.

Western civilisation put men on the moon but, as Clara Mead has shown, the secrets of making a good falafel continue to elude us.

Isn’t putting the security, safety and tax money of your friends, family, and community at risk by importing violent third-world cultures, just because you are too lazy to pick up a cookbook, incredibly selfish and not virtuous at all?

CM: Here, try some falafel.

YUMMY. That’s delish! What was I saying again? Never mind.

Final question, because our readers are just dying to know: How many cats do you own?

CM: (laughing) Honestly, I’ve lost count. I just love cats and all mine are on strict vegan diets to help save the native bird species.

Jane Barton can’t find knickers anywhere.

Next up is Jane Barton from Thong Underwear. Jane wants to show the world that you can consider the plight of refugees every time you take a trip to the dunny by wearing her luxurious knickers.

Tell us about your business.

JB: We make underwear because there is a severe underwear shortage in New Zealand. I got tired of going commando and the horrible chaffing I always had as a result.

Like Peach Cafe, you appear to be in flagrant violation of New Zealand employment laws by implying you don’t hire non-refugee workers. How do you reconcile your belief in equality, with your obvious disregard of the law that tells you to treat all potential employees equally?

JB: Really, it’s not that hard. Who’d want to have Kiwis working for you when you can get cheap non-English speaking labour doing it who will be too frightened to complain when they are mistreated? It’s a win-win for everyone really.

Tell us about you new line of underwear for 2018.

JB: This year we worked really hard to make our suicide vest more slimming. You have a really hard time seeing it now when under a burqa. What we’ve done is follow the natural contours of the woman’s body, which happens to make a very effective shaped charge with a suitable improvised explosive like TATP. We also include a cell phone pocket for remote detonation, which was another customer request.

Even more exciting, we have children’s sizes, which is a new and growing market for us overseas. But, we’re still holding out hope to see these items tested right here in New Zealand, eventually.

You say one of your workers is from Somalia and is waiting to import their entire family here. You must feel pretty good about that.

JB: Absolutely. The fact that a refugee I supported, or one of their family members whom they bring in, may go on to do great things like a truck attack or raping makes me pretty excited. It’s that kind of progress that gets me up in the morning.

A Somali relative looking to come to New Zealand to live the dream of making organic cotton underpants for navel-gazing white women.

Isn’t it selfish to shove hostile and predatory cultures into the communities against the wishes of people who live there and destroy their way of life? Further, isn’t it even more selfish to be doing this just to impress your equally shallow and obtuse friends who never have to deal with the problem?

JB: Have you tried the falafel from Peach Cafe? Yummy.

Yes, it’s delish! What was I saying again? Never mind.

Do you own any cats? Just kidding! I already know that answer.

Thanks for the interviews, Clara and Jane. We hope to see more from these two powerful career girls going forward.

by Jack Remarkable

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A guest post submitted to Whaleoil and edited by Whaleoil staff.

Guest Post content does not necessarily reflect the views of the site or its editor. Guest Post content is offered for discussion and for alternative points of view.