Accountants are revolting

 

We accountants are patient people. Try working with a 32-page spreadsheet and having to find a decimal point in the wrong place. Now that requires patience. Or, we might add up a 232-item column of figures, only to have the paper on the calculator run out just as you press the ‘Total’ button. Really infuriating. I was so mad I almost dipped my chocolate biscuit in my tea the other day, and you know how much I would hate that. No, accountants are nice, tolerant people. But our tolerance will only go so far.

Stuff has written an article that tells the world of our current plight. Quote:

Accountants have been threatening to file GST returns on paper after Inland Revenue suffered problems with its online systems.

One Inland Revenue employee who did not want to be identified said staff were subjected to angry calls earlier in the week – some accountants threatened to file their returns on paper because they could not get into the system. End quote.

I’m not surprised he didn’t want to be identified. He could be mobbed! Yes. We are having to THREATEN! By Jove, I’ll bet they never saw that coming! Accountants threatening. That’s not something you see every day. And when we threaten, we mean it. Oh yes, we mean it!

I mean, you can see what this has come to. We may actually have to FILE PAPER RETURNS because IRD is so inefficient. What could be worse than that?

It is dreadful. Each day, we come into work, not knowing if we will be able to access the IRD website. Last week I tried eight times. EIGHT TIMES, I tell you, to login to IRD, but it didn’t work. This is causing enormous stress. My dandruff has reached epidemic proportions and I’m shaking so much I keep hitting the wrong key on my calculator.

I must have a really strong cup of tea and a lie-down.

Thing is, it shouldn’t be like this. If only they had left their website alone. IRD keep changing everything, and it causes great confusion. Last year we had to adapt to a huge change where there was a new section on the website called GST. Well, I had only just got used to that and a year later  guess what? They changed it to ‘Business’. I didn’t think I could cope! I complained. But now the whole system is falling over anyway. Maybe if it went back to GST…

I know what you think. You think we accountants hate change. Well, that is not true at all. In fact, we are very unpredictable. I arrived at my desk at 8.02 this morning, rather than at the usual 7.59. There! How’s that for unpredictability! I’ll bet you weren’t expecting that. And then I had my morning coffee at 9.58. See? I went over to chat to Phil, as I usually do at 10.00 (Ha! See? Totally unpredictable!) We discussed the state of the world, as we do every morning. We discussed how the dollar had dropped to 69.7354283 US cents, and how New Zealand shares had dropped as heightened global trade tensions weighed across Asian equity markets. A fascinating discussion, as usual. This lasted until 10.10 when I promptly went back to my desk.

I then worked without stopping until 12.03, when I opened my Tupperware container and began to eat my ham and pickle sandwich. I hate ham and pickle. I’ve had it three times this week already. I told Priscilla, the receptionist, and she said I should ask my wife to make different sandwiches but I pointed out that I always make my own lunch.

I’m not completely useless, you know. I even sewed the button back on my brown cardigan last night. I didn’t really need to, because, like all good accountants, I have at least six brown cardigans  one for each day of the week, and a spare one in case a button comes off or something. But, this was my favourite brown cardigan as it has suede elbow patches. Very stylish, as I like to look good in the office.

I know people think we are boring, but we are not boring. We have lots of jokes, you know. Why did the chicken cross the road? Because that is what he did last year. Why did the accountant have both a wife and a mistress? So that he could tell each of them that he was with the other one, and then he could go to the office and get some work done.

I also know all about the Dark Web. I have an Incognito file. Bet you don’t know what that is. It is very hush, hush, but it allows me to have two Xero logins open at once. But don’t tell anyone.

So you see, we are neither predictable or boring. But, now we have a new situation. We are REVOLTING! All accountants are revolting! And a revolting accountant is a thing to behold. I have never been revolting in my life before. But, sometimes, you just have to make a stand. I can be as revolting as the next person if I put my mind to it.

But, I have had enough. I have had enough of all this uncertainty. It is enough to make me resort to drink. I’m not an alcoholic, not by any means, but I’ve had two nips of sherry in the last three weeks! I’ll tell you, it is becoming a habit.

I can’t stand it any more. I have decided to go and work as an actuary instead. Much more predictable.


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Accountant. Boring. Loves tax. Needs to get out more. Loves the environment, but hates the Greens. Has been called a dinosaur. Wears it with pride.

To read my previous articles click on my name in blue.

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