The Ladybird books guide to the Greens: Part 1

Who are the Greens?

People who love the planet earth are called Environmentalists or Greens.

Greens believe that the planet earth is being destroyed and everyone needs to work together to save it.

Greens think that people are bad and the planet is good. Some Greens call people a “cancer” on the earth.

Natural is good.

The Greens believe that things that are already on the earth are “natural”. The Greens like natural things.

This includes trees, whales, snow leopards, icebergs, oceans, rainbows and lots more. Viruses, genetic defects, disease-carrying mosquitos, illness and death are all natural too. The Greens don’t mention these much.

The Greens believe that people are destroying nature when they make their lives better. Lots of people have better lives by using things made by modern science and technology.

The Greens don’t like modern things. They call them “un-natural”.

Some “natural” things are out to kill us. Humans are successful because we have protected ourselves from nature and shaped the world around us. Greens prefer nature.

All food should be natural.

The Greens like “natural” food. By “natural” they don’t mean that they just find their food in the country-side, but food is grown in an old fashioned way.

The Greens let farmers use modern tractors, but don’t let them use modern farming techniques or inventions, like pesticides and biotechnology. They like food grown in a 1930’s-type way.

Growing food in a 1930’s “organic” way. It’s lucky the Greens let them use tractors.

Local, local, local.

Greens like food which is grown near to where they live.

Greens don’t like farmers in other countries. They refuse to buy food from farmers who live in poor countries in Africa because it is infected with “food miles”.

Greens go to local “farmers markets” which sell sausages, jam and pickles and cheese when it is “in season”.

The farmers don’t go because they are busy working on the farm. The Greens haven’t met farmers before, so they don’t notice that the farmers are missing.

The Greens tell everyone that they have bought their food at a farmers market and everyone says “well done you”.

This makes Greens feel special and happy. It’s funny how that doesn’t make the African farmers feel special or happy.

“It’s organic and local .. Well done you!”

Supermarkets are bad.

Greens don’t like supermarkets because they sell food from around the world at low prices.

Greens prefer food that is expensive. Luckily for the Greens, marketing companies have written “organic” on some foods and made it very expensive.

Greens haven’t noticed that all food is actually “organic”.

When Greens have cooked their “organic” food they tell everyone that is “organic” and everyone says “well done you”.

This makes Greens feel special and happy.

Greens want food to be more expensive and only available once a year (when it is “in season”)

Modern food Is actually poison

In olden days, most people spent their days growing their food to eat. When there was bad weather and the food didn’t grow properly, lots of people died.

Nowadays, food is developed by “bio-technologists” and grown by a few people with big machines. There is enough food to feed everybody in the world and the food is interesting and tasty.

The Greens are frightened by modern farming and they want to stop it. They shout “Frankenfoods” at bio-technologists and want people to grow their own food in animal dung.

Green campaigners have ensured that 2,000,000* children die a year in poor slum cities. Golden Rice would have saved them, but Greens ban genetically modified foods. This policy is irrational and murderous. (*UN Data)

Chemicals are scary

Greens are scared of chemicals. This is because the Greens think that chemicals are unnatural.

The Greens are scared that chemicals are harming people in secret ways. The Greens think that chemicals are linked to cancer.

Lots of things are linked together, but usually “chemicals” and “cancer” is linked together in press releases from Green activists.

Chemicals are also linked to killing diseases and making food better and last longer. People are living longer and healthier lives throughout the world. The press releases don’t seem to mention this.

Greenpeace activists say that clothes are “contaminated” with hazardous chemicals. The Greens think that all kinds of chemicals are hazardous, including chloride (salt is sodium chloride).

Recycling is clever

Green people don’t like rubbish, even when it is put in tips and grass is grown on top. Greens like recycling.

Recycling means that all the things that are very common and easy to make are taken out of the rubbish and used again. So glass and paper and plastic is recycled, but all the rare materials are put in a big tip.

It is very clever.

Glass is recycled. Glass is made from sand which is quite plentiful.

What Is the Greens’ favourite animal?

It is the Polar Bear.

Even though they love the Polar Bear, the Greens love pictures of Polar Bears that are poorly, falling off icebergs or swimming a lot and looking tired. Greens send these pictures to their friends to make their friends sad. Greens like to make their friends sad. They like to be sad together.

Luckily, the Polar Bears don’t seem troubled by this. There are now more Polar Bears than ever before and they are doing very well.

Maybe one day, a Polar Bear will eat one of the sad photographers to make him happy.

There are more Polar Bears now than there were in the 1960s. This doesn’t stop the Greens using the Polar Bear to gain sympathy and raise money.

What is the Greens’ favourite plant?

The Greens don’t have a favourite plant. They like all plants and even took their name, the “Greens” from the colour of leaves.

Plants have a favourite gas. It is called carbon dioxide and they grow strong and healthy when they have lots of it.

When plants first evolved there was lots more carbon dioxide in the air, but now there isn’t so much and sometimes kind farmers pump it into greenhouses so the planet can grow healthy.

Ironically, Greens like plants and trees; plants and trees like carbon dioxide; but Greens hate carbon dioxide. If the plants could talk, they would probably ask for more carbon dioxide from the Greens by way of thanks. I think that this would make the Greens very grumpy. It would be quite funny to watch.

Plants thrive with more CO2. The current level of CO2 in the atmosphere is 390 parts per million (yes that is per million, it is tiny). This is shown on the far right hand-side of the picture. Just to the left is 800 ppm, these plants are bigger and healthier. Interestingly, during the Cambrian Period, when life emerged, CO2 was 8,000 ppm, 20 times the current level. More CO2 is not a problem.

“Technology miles” are good

Greens don’t eat food which has been transported on ships and lorries. This is because ships and lorries produce carbon dioxide. Greens are against “food miles”

iPhones, Samsung Galaxy phones and Apple Macs are also transported on ships and lorries.

The Greens like iPhones, Samsung Galaxy phones and Apple Macs because they help to show the poorly pictures of Polar Bears.

Because of this, the Greens have not yet invented “technology miles”

Poor people are happy people

The Greens live in the rich countries. Even though their lives are easy, they aren’t happy.

People in poor countries want things that people have in the rich countries. They want things to be cheap and plentiful in their own countries like food, electricity, railway travel and education.

This would make them happy.

The Greens want the poor people to stay poor and carry on living in nature. They look at pictures of them smiling and wish that they were poor and happy like them.

The Greens don’t move from rich countries to the poor countries to be happy and poor, but they do hang pictures of African people on the walls in their houses. This makes them feel good about themselves.

Kenyan farmer sell her crops by phone, but not the Greens. The Greens only want her picture on their walls and not her “food miles”-infected crops.

Do the Greens like other people?

The Greens think that there are too many people on the planet and that the planet will run out of things we need, like food and metal and water.

People don’t just use things up, they actually make useless things into useful things. For example, oil and uranium is useless when it is in the ground, but it powers heating, industry and travel when it is extracted and made useful. This means that the planet will not be used up and lots more people can live on it.

The Greens haven’t noticed that this is happening because they only notice bad things happening. They think that natural things are just used up and wasted. They don’t notice that people are creative and make things out of rocks.

The Greens are very scared about more people living on the planet. They think that people are a “cancer”. The Greens haven’t suggested killing these people yet, but sometimes they probably think about it.

The Greens think that there are too many people, but haven’t suggested killing them yet.

Part two tomorrow.

by Andy


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