The Ladybird Books guide to the Greens: Part 2

Continuing Andy’s guest post from yesterday.

Why are Green ideas fashionable now?

People used to think about which is the right way to improve the lives of people. They argued about capitalism and communism and nationalism and socialism. All the “isms” were arguments about the future for people.

The Greens believe that people are the problem and that the planet needs to be saved from people. As the leaders stopped believing in the future for people, the Green idea became increasingly attractive to them. The leaders now have a cause that casts them as saviours without having to offer an attractive future for people. This was perfect for the leaders and the Greens.

All the leaders who used to talk about isms, now talk about the planet. Now they just compete with each other to be seen as the leader to save it.

The world leaders have big meetings to talk about carbon dioxide, not solving poverty or creating peace and stability or making the world a better place.

The Greens should be happy, but they are still sad and grumpy. They are always sad and grumpy because they don’t like other people at all. The Greens have a burning sense of injustice because they don’t feel part of the modern world and they want to destroy it.

The Greens like to pretend that they are leaders of a popular movement. But, most people ignore them. To look busy and to pretend that they have lots of supporters, Green activists dress up in gory suits and perform stunts for the news cameras.

Who is the Greens’ leader?In the early days, the Greens grew beards and went in little boats to stop whales being killed. They didn’t have leaders.

In the 1980’s they shaved their beards off and started talking to the grown-ups.

The first real grown up to become a Green was Margaret Thatcher. In 1988, Margaret Thatcher had successfully killed all her enemies and had run out of an “ism” to believe in.

A wise man called Sir Crispin Tickell told Margaret about a new cause that wasn’t an ism – it was “global warming”.

He said that she could be the leader and would become a hero that saved the planet.

Oddly, the Greens never said thank you to Margaret for persuading world leaders about “global warming” and closing the coal mines in Britain. Maybe, it is because the Greens pretend to be left-wing and Margaret was right-wing. It is still rude though.

Margaret Thatcher at the UN 1988: “The problem  of climate change needs effective action at the international level.”

Margaret Thatcher’s big Apocalypse computer.

To become the leader hero, Margaret Thatcher had to convince other grown up leaders that the planet was dying.

Margaret talked to the other grown-up leaders at a big meeting called the United Nations. She convinced them to set up a special campaigning team called the IPCC. Margaret gave money to buy a clever computer to foretell the coming apocalypse.

The Hadley Centre built a machine and filled it with special numbers. It showed the world used to be cold and was now very warm. It showed that we will die soon from global warming.

Some people noticed that the world used to be a lot warmer than it is now, but they were told to be quiet and not spoil things.

The Hadley Research Centre for Climate Research is now run by the UK Met Office. It has a massive computer which repeatedly foretells “hotter, drier, summers” and “warmer, wetter winters”. Even when we have freezing cold winters and torrential rain in the summer.

Big Al’s Hollywood Apocalypse.

The next leader Al Gore. Al is a man who dines well and lives in a mansion but wasn’t happy. Al wanted to be the big leader of the Greens.

Al made a Hollywood film with lots of special effects borrowed from his friends in Hollywood. The film showed how the Apocalypse would look. It looked horrible.

Al’s film showed that because we drive cars and use electricity, we would drown and starve because the seas would wash over the land. Frightening pictures were more convincing than the big computer.

The film was called “The Inconvenient Truth”. It was very imaginative, but not a true story. Some people tried to tell Al that it was going to be ok, but he called them names like “deniers” and “in the pay of big oil”. Al is a grumpy Green leader and he gets very angry. Especially when people don’t believe his Hollywood special effects because they cost him a lot of money.

“An Inconvenient Truth” Hollywood special effects showed the rising seas of the Apocalypse. It is quite like a biblical flood

The Apocalypse hasn’t arrived yet: will it please come soon?

Something called a “hiatus” happened and Apocalypse computers stopped working properly. The signs of the coming Apocalypse, the “tipping points”, didn’t happen and the world stopped warming.

The Greens had got used to their way of living and the leaders had a reputation to defend. All the leaders had no new “isms” and needed the Green campaign to carry on.

So, the Greens invented a religion.

No Global Warming since 1998. (It was also warmer in the Middle Ages and when the Romans were in Britain and  there wasn’t much modern industry in those days)

The Green religion: how does it work?

People don’t believe in Priests and Vicars and God, but they do want something to believe in.

The God of the Greens is “The Earth”.

The Truth of the Green religion is revealed by clever “scientists”. The theologians have special computers which continue to foretell the Apocalypse.

The Devil of the Green religion is a gas. The gas is called carbon dioxide, the Devil Gas.

The Devil Gas is made when human beings do things that make life better for themselves. It is called the Carbon Footprint.

Hell is the Apocalypse. The Apocalypse used to be called “the mini ice age”, then it was called “global warming”, then when the earth stopped warming, it became “climate change”. It might be called something else in the future. This will be decided by the Green theologians.

The Greens crusade against the Devil Gas with sermons to save us from the Apocalypse.

The sermons against the Apocalypse preach Public penance.

People can perform their penance by doing more boring things and doing fewer things that are interesting, fulfilling and fun. This helps people reduce their Carbon Footprint.

The Devil Gas has sympathisers. These people are Heretics and are called Deniers. Deniers are hunted down and cast out.

Unlike older religions, there is no redemption for the Green followers, only persistent penance.

Luckily, the Apocalypse hasn’t happened because lots of Greens are performing penance.

Head theologian of the True Believers, George Monbiot. Here he is waving away some of the Devil Gas from the pulpit.


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A guest post submitted to Whaleoil and edited by Whaleoil staff.

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