Comedy corner: Non-PC jokes guaranteed to offend

Welcome to politically incorrect Comedy corner: the one place on Whaleoil where you are allowed to read and share naughty and offensive jokes that make us all laugh even though we are not supposed to. If you are offended by these kinds of jokes then please do not read this post.


Late one night an Auckland ratepayer wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a knife in his ribs. “Give me your money,” he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, “You can’t do this – I’m the Mayor of Auckland Phil Goff!”

“In that case,” replied the robber, “Give me MY money!”

 

The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them. They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body to be measured however they chose.

The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000. Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger. It was 80 inches. He received $800,000.

The two generals were very happy with their earnings. Finally the Marine general came up. He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his d**k to the tip of his balls. The man said, “Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?” The general said no. “Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want measured?” The general said, “Just do it!”

The man dropped the general’s pants and measured his d**k. When he went for the general’s balls, they weren’t there. The man said, “Sir, where are your balls.” The general said, “I left them back in Vietnam.”


Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. “I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes in total,” says the Genie.

The Scottish guy says, “I am a fisherman, my Dad’s a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity.” So, with a blink of the Genie’s eye “poof” the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity.” Again, with a blink of the Genie’s eye “poof” there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks, “I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.” The Genie explains, “Well, it’s about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out.” The Irishman says, “Fill it up with water.”


Three guys (Asian, American, and a Mexican) are on a hot air balloon trying to get back home. Something punctured the hot air balloon so now its going down really fast. The three guys decided to throw stuff that they don’t need away so the balloon won’t fall down too fast. The Asian threw away rice and said, “I have a lot of this in my country.” The Mexican threw away beans and said, “I have a lot of this in my country.” The American threw over the Mexican. The Asian was like, “Why did you do that for?” The American said, “We have a lot of these in my country.”




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