Ardern’s speech ‘leaked’ to Whaleoil

Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern winking gif

Satire.


 

Dear proletariat.

We are proud of what I have accomplished in our first year after the previous nine years of neglect by the previous government.

In the last year, I have successfully managed to kowtow to Greenpeace and have destroyed the provinces occupied by greenhouse gas producing, water consuming cows. Oh, and I also dealt to those cows with mandatory cullings.

Speaking of cullings, my dearest flatmate Claire accepted the resignation letter that happened to slide in front of her following a conversation in my office. That was a hard thing to bear, but I remain hopeful that Meka will whakaingoatia shortly (which is Te Reo by the way).

You see, we are a coalition that stands for cuts.

Cut out pay rises, cut cows, cut charter schools, cut free speech, cut single-use plastic bags, cut off any option of repatriating the terminally ill Bali holidaymaker, cut guest appearances on scheduled TV slots, cut cabinet ministers, cut business confidence, cut important ties with 5 Eye partners. We did this!

But we are also a government of balance. So alongside the cuts, we had additions. That is what responsible governments do. The Hon Minister Grant Robertson explained to me once that this is called, “Balancing the Books.” So I have added regional fuel taxes, over 100 working groups and expert panels, tried to add thousands of refugees (thinking of the children), added increases to MPs resource allowances, added millions to the Pacific Island bank accounts, and my finest accomplishment, I added a baby!

Babies. There are babies being born in Nauru as we speak. These from people who are trying to enter Australia but cannot afford the basics like passports or an actual visa. They also cannot afford to obtain a clear police clearance from their home nations for some reason. Despite that, they need my assistance and so I believe it is my personal responsibility to bring in the babies along with their support team (mother, father, 5 children (think of the children) aunties, uncles, their adopted cousins) but we will have limits my people. We will limit it to family up to three times removed. I mean, we don’t want an invasion or anything

[Pause for laughter]

My government has also added plenty of supplementaries to the opposition side of the house through what in my opinion are timely and well thought out interjections. Our coalition partners  (the ones that sit in the far corner of the house), kindly donated their supplementaries to the opposition and I wish to personally thank Simon Bridges for wasting most of those on question one every day.

In the last year I have visited many people in leadership roles around the world. A shout out to my pals, Justin and Jeremy. We have much in common. Firstly our dislike of Lauren Southern who comes from Justin’s country and embarked on a hate speech tour in Jeremy’s. Secondly, we love Muslim refugees. Thirdly, we support Palestine’s right to exist as a sovereign nation against the evil occupiers. I know I speak on behalf of the nation about all this.

It was great having conversations with my future voters. To the adjacently young men and women at Wellington high school, Otumoetai college, Amesbury school, and others keep the faith and think of the children. I understand the youth as well as I know that Catholics eat a lot of fish and chips on Friday. Why they do that that is beyond me. I was told it has something to do with that Jewish man who died around Easter about 2000 years ago (his name escapes me). By some quirk of maths it turns that in 1883, nine days after Good Friday, another great prophet and philosopher was born – Karl Marx. A man ahead of his time.

Once again for balance, I was required to meet the orange looking one who people march about a lot. He has a great sense of humour (which in Te Amerika is spelled “humor”)

[pause for laughter]

I think he liked my funny joke. Or so people close to me tell me

[point to Heather]

Hi Heather, great to see you here tonight!

Now you all want to know what the next five years of our glorious reign will involve. For that, we will wait and base that on what the 100 or so working groups come back with. I am expecting to make a full announcement of that exclusively in the Woman’s Weekly around the time of Neve’s first kindy visit. My dear colleague Winston Peters rightly says that this is a work in progress and we were having a laugh together the other day as to how he is so funny for not telling me what that work is. He is such a hoot.

Anyway, that is all for now. My 757 is waiting to take Clarke, Neve and I off to the UN this evening. It should be a blast. Really looking forward to meeting Nicolás.

Thank you and good day comrades.

 

by Buzz E Bee


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A guest post submitted to Whaleoil and edited by Whaleoil staff.

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