Cat-atonic

Everyone knows I’m a cool cat. I like to keep my head, and if a human upsets me, I’ll just wind myself lovingly between their legs, preferably at the top of the stairs. I’m cool like that. No need to panic. Humans are our food suppliers, but nothing more than that.

I mean, you don’t really think I am going to eat dead rat, do you? Not when, if I time it well, I can escape with the fillet steak that the mistress left out to thaw for dinner?

Well, she never said whose dinner it was, did she? And I’m more than happy to share my jellymeat and cat biscuits any time. I’m like that, you know. A generous cat.

But, strolling around the streets with my girlfriend Astrophe and her brother Cooking Fat (some of these humans do call their pets by strange names, although I do admit, my brother-in-law can be a bit feral at times), I heard that the local council is looking at harsh new penalties for some of our feline comrades. Stuff reports: quote:

A feisty band of feline devotees will meet Auckland Council on Monday in a last-ditch effort to keep domestic cats exempt from the city’s harsh new pest management strategy.

The council meeting with the SPCA and several other cat right activist groups is one of the final consultations before an expanded Auckland Regional Pest Management Strategy (RPMS) is put into operation in March 2019.

The activists are particularly distraught at the proposal, first laid out in November 2017, that cats rounded up in regional Auckland sites of “ecological significance” can be “euthanised” if found without a microchip.

NZ Cat Foundation president Anne Batley-Burton says the new strategy is a risk to all domestic pet cats, and there are ulterior motives.

“Realistically, if this is all about protecting wildlife, having a chip or not does not alter a cat’s hunting ability, so what is it really all about? It’s really about them wanting to cull the strays out there through a lack of owner responsibility,” Bartley-Burton says. end quote.

I mean, I’m microchipped, of course. We live in a good neighbourhood. Although I’m not sure about Cooking Fat. I heard him say something about ‘over my dead body’, but I’ve seen him lying in the road a few times. He must have got through at least seven of his lives by now, and well, you know, we are not immortal. I keep telling him not to push his luck, but it’s the drugs…. well, he’s always at the catnip. He runs a nip lab. Definitely from the wrong side of the litter tray, that one.

But now cats that are not microchipped are going to be rounded up and sent to the great catbox in the sky! Noooo! We can’t have that!

It will be nice to get away from Cooking Fat and his fleas though. No self-respecting cat has fleas any more – I mean, it is like having children who have to share a bedroom, or who don’t have iPads. It is, quite simply, not acceptable any more. quote:

“Even if the councils themselves are not running around trying to trap a whole lot of cats, you’ve got these fanatical conservationists who want to kill every cat in sight, out in force seizing opportunities.

“We can’t suddenly go slaughtering the world’s most-loved companion animal purely because it doesn’t have a microchip. ” end quote.

Oh yes. Those greenies. Bane of my life, particularly that one called Gareth.

So I have called a meeting of the local Cat-a-holic Society, to be held tonight at 3 am in the driveway of that nice lady who lives right on the beach. I’m sure she’s a cat lover, although I have heard rumours about her husband. He even knows Cooking Fat by name, although he never says it quite right. We will start off with a few songs, to get the mood right. “I Walk Feline” is one of my favourites. I love Johnny Cash. Then we will have a nice long discussion about what we should do. Some of our number can get quite emotional, so it will be a rowdy meeting. I’m sure that nice lady won’t mind.

Her husband might, though. I hear he has weapons. I might have to catch him at the top of the stairs too.

 


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Unlike short-lived Twitter sensation Paddles, the Political cat, Cambo the Camo cat is a balanced feline as he always looks both to the left and the right before crossing the road.

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