Mirror mirror…

Magic Mirror

It had been weeks since the Magic Mirror last appeared with offerings of wisdom and proper advice… and oh how Jacinda needed wisdom after the weeks she’d had to endure! Hurriedly, breathlessly racing to the ornate Magic Mirror, hoping for a new inscription to recite, heart, pounding in her chest, heady with anticipation she was delighted to see that there was something for her to receive. With her heart in her mouth, she hoarsely whispered the magical inscription highlighted on the ornate mirror’s surface…

“Mirror mirror make this political term go faster
I seem to lurch from disaster to disaster”

No sooner had Jacinda finished her pleading, the Magic mirror shimmered briefly before replying “Why hello Comrade Stardust, what astute observations you speak of. It’s no wonder you need some wisdom… However, I can’t help with the Omni-clusters, or your lurching… ‘cause I’m not a friggin’ Miracle worker you know! Strewth! I’m only a Magic mirror; here to offer you wisdom and proper advice… Advice I might add you neglected to heed since our last audience, do you remember?”

Cricket orchestra

“Comrade Stardust, now that the voters can see it’s not actually stardust, it’s only ordinary baby powder, they know your “honeymoon” gig is over! They know, along with baby powder comes baby… And that always means… shitty nappies. Constantly! Noses everywhere really resent a ripe nappy all over the Beehive though! Just as well for you, Parent and ‘bringer of ripeness’ that almost everyone confuses the ripeness of nappies with the Beehive’s usual aural-borne bovine excrement aroma. It’s waft so common these days, all of down-wind Wellington are used to it now.  The locals are making the most of the situation though and marketing it as a tourist interest, just like in Rotovegas when the wind blows into town. That’s why when the locals go on holiday in the country, they never get homesick.

Anyway, Your Accidentalness… Your caucus is complaining about having all these closed-door meetings when the air conditioning’s broken. After 9 years of neglect the windows won’t open either. They want open-air meetings in the park…and to be upwind, or they’re going to go on strike. (And just quietly Taxarella… You don’t want to be aroma-adjacent to that!)

Taxarella, my first wisdom for you is… If you boil the water too quickly, the frog will jump out of the pot. So tell Comrade Uncle Michael Daddy not to recommend the Capital Gains Tax, at least just not yet, or this term anyway. Just add a few more Regional fuel tax increases instead onto those rich prick JAFA’s, then gift every other region with their own Regional fuel tax too. Then, because it’s all over the nation, you can add another, Nation-wide tax calling it a National tax which you can then blame on the National Party when the voters complain because all the taxes even have their name on it!

Cricket orchestra

Comrade Cindy Taxarella, remember our last audience when we talked about how you needed a distraction from all the Omni-clusters since the stardust turned to talcum? Well, I recommended you needed more glossy magazine photo shoots and to build bridges with Australia and to stop all the interfering with our closest cousin’s political business. Remember? I suggested that you really should do just that. Build a bridge between NZ and Australia. Make Australia Close Again! Remember how you said, “Yeah, nah, instead I’m gonna turn off the Taranaki taps that supply the fuel to the engines that keep the lights on and make everything run on sunshine and the power from our clean fresh rivers instead.” And then we both just laughed and laughed…

Gotta tell ya though, the Great Council of Mirrors were so surprised you actually did turn off the fuel taps! None saw it coming, even after looking into it and reflecting on it. One got so bent out of shape for not seeing it, the Great Council had to demote him to an Auckland Council art piece. He couldn’t handle it though and cracked… but enough of my politics, let’s talk about yours!

Cricket orchestra

Comrade Talcum Taxarella, I have another wisdom for you before I leave you, but I gotta tell ya… other people have ducks and they try and get them in a row…You have clowns, but they’re not even funny despite some being a huge joke! Just take Twyford’s Portfolio as a “circus-adjacent” example. He was struggling to hide his relief at not having to answer the question about which government consented his Kiwibuild homes? He was delighted he didn’t need to explain to media how you and Labour will house the 1500 refugees in the entire Kiwibuild stock …of 18 homes. He was seen in front of his mirror, fretting and angsting over how to even answer how many he will actually deliver, move-in-able by 2020? And then… With a stroke of great fortune, the media scrutiny of his performance switched to Clare. Twyford was seen by the Great Council doing his happy dance, fist-pumping and singing “Go Clare! Go Clare!”

Seriously though Your Tancumness, you need to get the economy sorted. They’re starting to revolt. Those greedy capitalists have been surveyed and asked how best to run and manage their small/medium size businesses under a Labour coalition government. The most common answer was “The only way is first, you need to start with a big one… just ask Fonterra.”

Call me cynical Oh Great Lurching one, but I think they’re getting bolshie and are expecting to maintain their democracy and private property rights. Release your inner Comrade Auntie Helen and show them some mongrel… but not too much so that they’ll think you’re channelling Angry Andy!

Before I leave you Taxarella, I’ll grant you one more pearl of wisdom. Your message to business must be ”The red-tape floggings will continue until morale and confidence improves.”

 

by blokeintakapuna


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A guest post submitted to Whaleoil and edited by Whaleoil staff.

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