The secret diary of Jan Thomas

Satire


Monday

Dear Diary

my neighbour Manawa told me today how upset she was when her boyfriend told her that he doesn’t like pork and puha. I have learned from my extensive study of Maori culture that pork and puha is a traditional Maori dish and it worries me deeply that her pakeha boyfriend would treat Maori culture with such disdain. I have never eaten it myself but I am sure that it is delicious.

Tuesday

Dear Diary

Edward the pommy postman and I were chatting today and he was upset at the outcome of the Maori ward vote and said that my university should not have allowed people to argue against them as it diminished the value of Te Tiriti o Waitangi. I agreed with him and said that my university was not a place for anti-Maori sentiments as they might influence the hearts and minds of my students and it is my job to protect them. I promised him that we would do better in the future.

I have an intimate family dinner planned for Sunday and my son has told me that he is bringing a young woman to it to meet his parents. I am so excited as I think this could well be my future daughter-in-law!

Wednesday

Dear Diary

Disaster! I did a google search of my son’s girlfriend and she is totally unsuitable for him. I need to find a way to prevent her from coming to my dinner party. I need a plan.

Thursday

Dear Diary

while I wholeheartedly support my son’s right to choose the woman he marries I cannot allow him to marry this woman. It is my job to protect him and her political views make her totally unsuited to joining our family. Not only does she not eat pork and puha I have it on good authority that she voted against the establishment of Maori wards so she is clearly a racist and possibly a far-right white supremacist. I simply will not tolerate anti-Maori sentiment inside my home.

I had coffee with three of my closest friends from work today and we brainstormed how best to prevent the family dinner from going ahead.

Friday

Dear Diary

the family dinner is tomorrow and I am running out of time. At work, this would be so much easier. When I didn’t want presentations by Christian preachers I was able to stop them speaking easily. I am working hard to restrict facility hire to those who do not compromise my values so why can’t I prevent this woman from coming into my own home for goodness sake?

Saturday

Dear Diary

I am starting to panic. I need an excuse that my son will swallow…

I know… I will tell him that Manawa’s dog Brutus doesn’t like Asians and that I am very concerned that because her section isn’t fully fenced that he might attack and seriously hurt Yu Yan!

That should work. He doesn’t know that her dog is a Chihuahua and as long as he doesn’t find out that inconvenient fact out I should be fine.

Sunday

Dear Diary

Success!

No Yu Yan in my home, hoorah!

Monday

Dear Diary

disaster has struck. My son is now asking lots of questions. I can tell that he is suspicious. I am not going to back down though as I feel certain that if I stick by my principles I will still be able to protect him from that bitch Yu Yan. I am a person of integrity and I will do whatever needs to be done to stop this disastrous union from going ahead.

I wrote him an e-mail this morning telling him that I’d hadn’t considered cancelling the family dinner until I realised that Yu Yan would be in danger. Little Brutus has sharp teeth and could have done serious damage to her ankles. I am sure that he will understand that I was only concerned with her safety and that it had nothing to do with the fact that I won’t let that racist bitch get her claws into him.

If that fails I will just apologise for my mistake and carry on as normal while making alternative plans for keeping Yu Yan out of my home and out of his life.

Yeah, that will work.

Brutus the Chihuahua


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