The grinches at Whaleoil

Jacinda World Tour 2018.
Photoshopped image credit Technomage

Satire


Comrades at Whaleoil 

I am annoyed with you all; the bloggers, the commentators and everybody at Whaleoil.

You may wonder why? I am not happy with how you are critical of the first elected Wimmin PM of New Zealand our dear leader Ms Jacinda Ardern Gayford Te Aroha Aotearoa.

Some of you smart cookies may ask how our dear leader is the “first elected female” PM of New Zealand? Is it not Helen Clark? I said “female”. You get the drift…well, I am digressing….Let me come to the point.

I think all of you miss how clever our dear leader is. First, she cleverly played her cards saying she was not interested in the job. Poor Andy believed it and offered it to her before the election, confident that she would decline it. She grabbed it saying “Let me do this”. The rest, as they say, is history.

Despite the cards not falling her way on election night, she tricked Winston Peters into selecting her by offering ginger biscuits and tea during the negotiations. Who would have thought Winston would fall for a cup of tea and not some other liquid… She won the election fair and square folks – that is MMP.

She then charmed the nation with the announcement of her pregnancy. According to the MSM, “the nation erupted in joy”. Fortunately, we didn’t have any damage, otherwise, EQC would have gone broke. The New Zealand media led by cheerleader Barry Soper celebrated the news of this great achievement. Other Jacinda Kool-Aid drinkers HDPA, Audrey Young, Stacey Kirk, Duncan Garner and Paddy Gower danced in the streets celebrating this achievement. Only the grinches at Whaleoil questioned why a woman getting pregnant is an achievement. A bunch of killjoys, I say.

You all then said she is not decisive and dithered around with Claire Curran and Meka Whaitiri. Folks, this is classic politics and you don’t get it.  She shows her kind-heartedness to the unwashed by waiting until Curran resigned. Then she showed her toughness by sacking Meka. This is what people of New Zealand want to see  – a kind-hearted tough woman leader.

Photoshopped image credit: Pixy

Much has been made of the Oil and Gas decision and how the people of Taranaki and New Zealand’s economy will suffer. Whaleoil made a huge noise about it. No worries for our dear leader. She knows very well that West Coasters ended up voting for Labour after Helen stopped logging. Jacinda wants New Plymouth to vote for Labour in 2020. Brilliant strategy folks! She knows Kiwis like to get punished and they reward the punisher well.

What about Petrol prices going through the roof?  Consider that as a sacrifice comrades! Every extra cent in tax you pay lays the track for a tram ride to the airport for the rich pricks of Auckland. Add another 4 cents of the levy. Bros, people in Invercargill are smiling and accepting this punishment with grace for the greater good of all Jaffas.

Cam is questioning the low level of business confidence. Christie is worried about the economy. How can Jacinda inspire confidence? Well, she doesn’t know what GDP is. That solves the problem, folks. If you don’t know about something, how can you solve the problem? Our dear leader marches on…

While the New Zealand MSM is singing the praise of our dear leader and her spectacular show with the baby in New York, Whaleoil criticised her heavily for that. Folks, that is unfair. Our leader, with her childminder and baby, have gone to New York! That itself is an achievement. How many of our PMs have had a childminder and a child accompany them to New York? Think hard. Then her virtue signalling speech…it takes a lot of courage to speak to an auditorium full of empty chairs. I throw you a challenge. Can you speak to your couch for 5 minutes? If not, don’t make fun of our dear leader.

She pleaded for privacy with her child in New Zealand. The public sympathised with her. Then she made the best use of the baby moments in New York to milk publicity and photo shoots. The New Zealand public bought that as well saying what a great woman she is. Why can’t Whaleoil write a couple of lines praising her?

Finally, you haven’t seen anything yet Comrade Oilers. Coming soon to you:

  • Baby Neve’s first birthday
  • A Royal Wedding announcement
  • Neve’s brother in the making
  • Neve attending school

Get ready for it, because you are in the Kingdom of Jacinda where everybody plays the fool and there is no exception to the rule.

 

 

By Sir Cullen’s Sidekick.

 


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A guest post submitted to Whaleoil and edited by Whaleoil staff.

Guest Post content does not necessarily reflect the views of the site or its editor. Guest Post content is offered for discussion and for alternative points of view.

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