Auntie Roger’s pearls of wisdom

Brian Rogers


It’s that time again when Auntie Roger pulls out her pearls of wisdom and strings them delicately around the nape of our readers’ dilemmas.

If you have a burning question that can only be extinguished by the smothering love of Auntie, write to her via the nephew ([email protected]) and your troubles will be over.
Here are some highlights from Auntie Roger’s most recent exchanges:

Dear Auntie Roger,
I’d like to travel the world and watch rugby matches and I want you all to pay for it.

Freeloader, Wellington.

Dear Freeloader,
Sure you can! We’d be delighted to pay for that. Better still, we can pay you while you’re sponging off us, get you to and from the airport in a swanky Limo and guarantee you a sumptuous retirement package when you’re done travelling and freeloading. Enjoy!

Auntie Roger.

Dear Auntie Roger,
I recently saw an advertisement for a travel special to Lapland, to meet Santa. I was wondering since I’m a big boy now, do you reckon I would still get to sit on his knee?

Big Boy Bruiser.

Dear BB Bruiser,
These days, the Health and Safety Act excludes podgies throwing their weight around on frail, defenceless old celebrities. However, since you’re in Lapland, I don’t think it would be unreasonable to expect a Hot Lap in the sleigh. And Mrs Claus might entertain with a traditional Lapdance. Go ahead, lap it up.

Auntie Roger.

Dear Auntie Roger,
We’ve let a bad bloke into the country and now we have to get rid of him. How do we quietly extract ourselves from this mess?

Anonymous Immigration Official.

Dear AIO,
Slap a stamp on his forehead, post him back to his homeland labelled ‘cancelled Czech’.

Auntie Roger.

Dear Auntie Roger,
A Russian drinking a ginger beer while riding a Lime e-scooter has just crashed into my mandarin tree. What should I do?

Thirsty Gardener, Otumoetai.

Dear TG,
Just add a shot of Absolut vodka. With ginger beer, mandarin and a squeezed lime you have a Moscow Mule cocktail.

Auntie Roger.

Dear Auntie Roger,
There’s a woman here saying I should get my old coat off and asking if I fancy the stripper. Then she’s suggesting a thorough rub down all over before we whip the top off, dip it in and slop it on. What should I do?

Dodgy Uncle Dave.

Dear Dodgy Uncle Dave,
You’re supposed to be in your therapy meeting. Get out of Guthrie Bowron.

Auntie Roger.

Dear Auntie Roger,
I recently built my own electric bike. It goes really well… until I run out of extension cord. That point is about half way down the driveway, just past the wood shed. Should I be expecting better range from my electric bike? Should I consider getting another extension lead, enough to get to the mailbox?

Short Circuit, Greerton.

Dear Shorty,
You are overthinking the problem. Surveys made up by us to suit these answers show that 96 per cent of electric bike riders really only want to go to the wood shed and back. Be satisfied with that. It does mean you will have to get off the bike at least once a week to walk the last of the distance to the mailbox to get your Weekend Sun, but you probably need a good stretch. There is talk of batteries being invented for electric bikes, which might give them more freedom and range, but that will never catch on. Happy riding.

Auntie Roger.

Dear Auntie Roger,
I’ve found a hamster. He looks hungry and a bit aggressive. What should I do?

Phobic, Papamoa.

Dear Phobic,
Get a sleeping bag and put the hamster inside, call a cab, put the sleeping bag in the back seat and ask the driver to take it to the corner of Gravatt and Domain Roads and wait there for 15 minutes.

Auntie Roger.

Dear Auntie Roger,
My pet hamster has run away. He’s been a bit bolshie lately and I’m worried about his attitude. What should I do?

Perplexed, Papamoa.

Dear Perplexed,
Go to the corner of Gravatt and Domain Roads. Wait there ‘til your hamster exits a nearby taxi. He’ll be tired and maybe a little shell-shocked, but contrite and ready to go home.

Auntie Roger.

Dear Auntie Roger,
My sex life is non-existent. The thrill has gone. I’ve tried everything but just can’t seem to get the excitement and spontaneity of my younger days. What can I do?

Despondent, Papamoa.

Dear Despondent,
Drizzle your special places in honey, sprinkle grated carrot and grains on top, catch a taxi to the corner of Gravatt and Domain Roads. There will be another cab waiting there. Get in the back and climb into the sleeping bag and zip it right up. Your quest should be answered in less than 15 minutes.

Auntie Roger.

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