Confessions of a Trans Vegetarian

*Satire

Vegetarian woman

I haven’t always been a Trans vegetarian but I have admired vegetarians for years. I have wanted to be a vegetarian since I was a young child but it simply was not acceptable back then. It is quite frankly a relief to come out of the closet and claim my identity as a Trans vegetarian.

I have always admired vegetarians. It takes a lot of guts to stick it to the man and to reject meat it all its delicious forms. Vegetarians are principled people who often care deeply about animal rights and who have transformed their lives in order to live healthy, meatless lives.

Until the Trans movement came along I had no hope at all of claiming my identity as a vegetarian as there were too many barriers for me to overcome in order to call myself a vegetarian and to take my rightful place with my vegetarian brothers and sisters.

For a start I hated vegetables.

Boy frowning at vegetables

Even worse, my family think that people who don’t eat meat are weird.

However thanks to the Trans movement I can now call myself a vegetarian despite these unfair barriers. Fortunately, we live in a society now that is very accepting of people like me who identify as vegetarians yet were not born with the willpower or the tastebuds to suit the lifestyle.

These days Trans vegetarians like me can be put on a daily course of vitamin pills that replicate the important goodness that can only be found inside vegetables. Some of us even have the option of applying for state-funded surgery to alter our taste buds so that we can actually enjoy vegetables.

In addition to these options, there are now wonderful companies now who have gone to a lot of effort to turn vegetables into a product that looks like meat. Meatless mince for example allows Trans vegetarians like myself to continue to enjoy our favourite mince meals like spaghetti bolognese, shepherd’s pie and spicy stuffed tacos.

In the early days of my transformation, I wondered if I was actually a Trans vegan but an unfortunate incident involving almond milk soon convinced me that I was actually Trans vegetarian. I learned the hard way that is is impossible to be a Trans vegan when you have a severe nut allergy that causes your eyes to swell shut.

Sadly I do still encounter a fair bit of transphobia from the ignorant who do not seem to understand that it is how I feel that truly defines me, not what I eat. Only the other day I was enjoying a delicious breakfast of bacon and eggs at a local cafe when I was confronted by an old lady who sniggered when I explained that I was a Trans vegetarian. “That’s real bacon,” she scoffed as she pointed an accusing finger in my direction.

Pigs eat vegetables and I eat pigs.

I shook my head sadly and attempted to educate her. Yes I said calmly, it is real bacon and that is okay. Pigs, you see, eat vegetables, and I am a Trans vegetarian. There is a wide spectrum of Trans vegetarians and I am at the meat-eating end of the spectrum. I get my vegetables second hand through the meat that I eat. I supplement this meat diet with daily vitamin pills that are the equivalent of a completely vegetarian diet. I have been tested and my level of vegetable-based vitamins and minerals is well within the acceptable legal range to be granted Trans vegetarian status.

The little old lady looked at me through her watery old eyes and her mouth dropped open in amazement. Hopefully, there is now one less ignorant person in the world and perhaps this article will help make the world a less transphobic place.


Do you want:

  • Ad-free access?
  • Access to our very popular daily crossword?
  • Access to daily sudoku?
  • Access to Incite Politics magazine articles?
  • Access to podcasts?
  • Access to political polls?

Our subscribers’ financial support is the reason why we have been able to offer our latest service; Audio blogs. 

Click Here  to support us and watch the number of services grow.

If you agree with me that’s nice, but what I really want to achieve is to make you question the status quo, look between the lines and do your own research. Do not be a passive observer in this game we call life.

You can follow me on Gab.ai 

To read my previous articles click on my name in blue.

Listen to this post:
Voiced by Amazon Polly
Tagged:
64%