Kindness day speech from the First Mother

Photoshopped image credit: Pixy

Satire


An eye-witness account of the First Mother’s recent “Kindness Day Speech” to a gathering of the Inner Party.  A large hall is filled to capacity with the usual motley collection of bearded Green party women, Chardonnay socialists from the leafy suburbs, and Union leaders of diverse but disreputable appearance. A strong smell of cabbage and lentils wafts in the air.  Add a collection of either wild-eyed or bewildered-looking MPs, and the scene is set.

CHAIR-THEY: And now comrades and comradesses, umm, I actually mean, com-theys, the moment we’ve all been waiting for; the annual address of our First Mother. It’s a sensory feast to see, hear and smell that the first baby is here too. It’s good to have a workout for at least some of our senses, and to give our brains some more rest. Let’s hear, or rather, not hear, a round of non-threatening  silent applause for the first mother and first baby…..

(Sustained silent applause from the audience – at least we assume so, as it’s difficult to hear silent applause over a bawling baby).

CHAIR-THEY: Just a small hitch, while we wait for the first husb… umm I do mean of course, first jackpot winner, to change that nappy… ah please, not on my chair-they’s table… oh well, okay, go ahead. Good to see that Clarke is using reusable paper nappies, and putting the reusable nappy in a….. oh my sainted gunt, is that a single s-s-single use p-p-plast…? no can’t be. Oh dear, I almost used the banned word. Of course, paper bags can be made to look like p-p-plast… these days. Well, thank Goff that’s done now. Gunts and guntesses of the Inner Party, the first mother…..

FIRST MOTHER: (After waiting for prolonged silent cheering to subside).

That’s gunt-theys duckie. Well good evening everybody. My husb… or rather assistant and I thank you for the hearty non-threatening welcome. We trust that everybody has had a really good year, as have I, Clarkie boy and Neve. After all, we’ve managed to get rid of that Tesla thing and get a Ferrari instead, so that’s a plus isn’t it?  No more draining the national grid to charge the thing, and petrol’s really affordable now. Well, it is if you’re getting my salary.

(Silent laughter from the audience).

But joking aside, I’m really rather proud of what we’ve done to, or rather for, the people of Aotearoa-Cubazuela in the last 12 months. We’ve had a tremendous amount of success on the international scene, and a triumphal, (and I don’t think that’s an exaggeration), visit to New York and the UN. Many have told me that my presence brought tears to their eyes, especially when the first baby needed a nappy change.

(More silent laughter).

It was really awesome to speak to an almost empty chamber at the United Nations, I felt quite at home, just like in parliament. I’m told General Assembly was there, but I don’t think I actually met him. I wish I’d met Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. I think that we have so much in common. She’s my intellectual equal I feel, from reading some of her speeches, and she has the teeth to be successful.

Kindness, com-theys, kindness. This is the new Aotearoa-Cubazuela that we bring to you. By the way, I hope you like the snappy new name I dreamed up for the country. A kinder society, that is what I’m creating. Kindness to young professionals wanting to snap up a bargain first house to flick off in a few years, kindness to the children of the well-off to bludge a free year at uni, kindness to criminals who are victimised by the law, (which reminds me, happy holidays Karel Sroubek, enjoy your new status, and mum’s the word, eh?)

(First mother winks).

Where was I? Oh yes, kindness – kindness floating in the air, kindness running down the hospital walls, kindness to people that no other country would touch with a 1219.2 centimetre (Editor- 40 foot) pole, kindness to tahr, kindness squishing between your toes in the cowshed, in short, gunt-theys, kindness everywhere. By the way, the cowshed kindness will soon be, like snow, a thing of the past. Just a heads up.

(Silent standing applause, except from one individual who gives a cheer, and is hastily removed in handcuffs by the Kindness Police).

But com-theys – there are those among us who resist this kindness. Those who say that my kindness is hurting our very voter base; the cost of petrol is too high they say; petrol prices are helping to push up supermarket prices rapidly they say. Rents are rising because of my kindness, they say. Now listen very carefully gunt-theys, to the words, “our voter base”.

(Bursts out in high-pitched silent laughter. Eventually gains control).

They’re going to vote for us whatever we do. They think that because we talk about kindness, it applies to them as well. Let them think that, com-theys, it serves our purpose well. And to the judgy kindness skeptics I say, enjoy the People’s Republic of Aotearoa-Cubazuela. For us in the Inner Party it’s getting bedder and bedder; for you, well, we’re preparing the Gulags, or should I say, Guntlags? We will pause shortly to have “2 minutes of Hate” for the kindness skeptics.

(But this is not to be, as the audience can no longer contain itself; actual clapping and cheering are heard. The Kindness Police run around with batons, being kind to the culprits. Then they realise that Clarke is cheering too, which creates a dilemma. They ignore Clarke, and by now the first baby is screaming in terror. The first mother is unable to continue her speech, and is carried out on the shoulders of the adoring throng, leaving Clarke to carry out the dirty [reusable] nappies and almond milk cartons).

Our courageous spy at this point is almost overwhelmed by the atmosphere but manages to escape from the hall into the fresh air, where he melts into the darkness, avoiding the Kindness Police, and makes his way homeward, his brow furrowed by the disturbing scenes he has just witnessed.

Footnote from the future:  December 25th has become “Hugo Chavez Day”, in memory of one of the heroes of the “Doctrine of Kindness”. The annual Farmers’ Chavez Parade has become world-famous. Hugo Chavez is, of course, played by a woman to avoid any semblance of sexism.

 

by Aspie101


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A guest post submitted to Whaleoil and edited by Whaleoil staff.

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