Aunty Roger is here to help

Brian Rogers


Due to the popularity of the last Auntie Roger, we?ve got some more pearlers for our readers this week.

If you have a burning question that can only be extinguished by the smothering love of Auntie, write to her via her nephew, [email protected], and all your troubles will be over.

Dear Auntie Roger,
I was minding the garden for my lovely grandson with that awful Rastafarian hairdo – dreadnoughts, I think he calls it. He left me in charge of his tomato plants to water while he was away at a music festival.
Well, they didn?t seem to be fruiting so well, despite plenty of leaf and the nice big lights to brighten up the attic room. I couldn?t see any sign of tomatoes growing so I decided to thin the buds for him. He wasn?t too pleased when he got home.
I?m no horticulture expert, but I think there?s something up with his plants. Any suggestions?

Green Granny, Greerton.

Dear Green Granny,
Those are probably the sort of tomato plants that are useful in cooking. If you still have the buds, pop them in the blender with a bit of butter and make some nice cookies to take to your knitting group.
Send me a couple to share with my Home Bake group too.

Auntie Roger.

Dear Auntie Roger,
I?ve been living rough, sleeping in my car and begging in the streets, but now the council is banning it. Where can I live now?

Lexus, Avenues.

Dear Lexus,
Make yourself at home at the addresses of councillors Robson, Brown, Morris, Stewart or Curach. They haven?t seen through your bludging and scamming yet.

Auntie Roger.

Dear Auntie Roger,
I love my cat dearly, but she just doesn?t respond well in return. Is it possible for animals to convey love to humans? I don?t see it with my cat. She?s cold and unresponsive to me. I hardly see her in the daytime, she only comes out at night and, instead of purring on my lap, she?s running around outside climbing trees. I bought her from a man in Mamaku who said he was a breeder and she came from hardy stock. Perhaps I should get a goldfish? Your thoughts please Auntie.

Puss Lover, Westridge.

Here?s my cat, photographed with infrared night vision as he doesn?t come out in the?daytime.

Dear Puss Lover,
It is normal for some pets to seem resentful of their owners. Give it time, and perhaps a slice of apple, and maybe love will blossom possum. I had a similar problem with my horse. It didn?t like wearing horseshoes. I got tired of having to tie its laces every morning.

Auntie Roger.

Dear Auntie Roger,
Every time myself and Mr Rust travel, we have difficulties at the border. What can we do to assist our travels?

Myrtle, The Mount.

Dear Myrtle,
You are probably on some sort of customs and immigration watch list. Try changing your name to M. Bovis and see how that goes.

Auntie Roger.

Dear Auntie Roger,
If a skunk, a deer and a duck go out to lunch, who should pay?

Troubled, Te Puna.

Dear Troubled,
Well the skunk only has a scent, the deer is only a buck and there?s no doe, so it should go on the duck?s bill.

Auntie Roger.

Dear Auntie Roger,
What?s black and white and read all over?

The Joker.

Dear Joker,
That joke isn?t funny anymore.
Newspapers have been colour now for at least 30 years, you dipstick.

Auntie Roger.

Dear Auntie Roger,
I?m driving through Athenree and the traffic is really slow. I?m at a standstill, so I?m texting you while I wait. I?m heading to my 18th birthday party in Tauranga, but I?m concerned about the traffic congestion on SH2 and worried I won?t make it on time for my own party in three hours. Should I be concerned?

Beach Girl, Waihi Beach.

Dear Beach Girl,
You have to get through Katikati yet. At the rate the road funding is being slashed and bypass schemes canned, you?ll be lucky to get to Tauranga for your 21st.

Auntie Roger.

Dear Auntie Roger,
I hear the train a comin?, it?s rolling round the bend, and I ain’t seen the sunshine since I don’t know when. I?m stuck in Folsom prison, and time keeps draggin? on.

Johnny, Matua.

Dear Johnny,
Maybe you shouldn?t have shot that man in Reno, just to watch him die? Right now, however, you need to get freed from prison, buy the railroad train, move it on a little farther down the line, that?s where you want to stay. Let that lonesome whistle blow your blues away.

Auntie Roger

Dear Auntie Roger,
My life is lacking purpose. Everything I do seems pointless and worthless. At work I have no job satisfaction. I feel useless.

Pointless, Pillans Point.

Dear Pointless,
Don?t be so hard on yourself. Remember that somewhere, someone?s job is installing indicator systems on cars that are driven around Tauranga and never used. There?s always someone performing a more meaningless role than yourself. Cheer up.

Auntie Roger.