Whaleoil’s top 12 most important women of NZ 2018.

You may all recall, a little while ago the most prestigious BBC put out a list of their Top 100 Really Important Women, which somehow included Nanaia Mahuta because she had some scribble on her chin and had been troughing for the last 22 years. I summed up the award in a post back then, but in case you missed it, please feel free to pop along for a look at why Nanaia is as important as a Samoan who can drive a boat!

Well we here at Whaleoil figured that as so many of our wonderful women had missed out on getting the BBC gong, we would promote a list of our own, a satirical one. Please note, not all the quotes are real!

So without any further delay, here are the Whaleoil Top 12 Really Amazing Super Duper Important Bestest Women of New Zealand for 2018, and coming in at number one is…

1. Cindy Ardern. The leader of the free world.

Highlights

Has successfully created a lifetime income by inventing an entirely new way of governing known as ‘Killing with Kindness’. Cindy has managed to pour her own special brand of kindness, “Socialism Done Bedder”, into thousands of mouths of the lower socio-economic voters of EnZed by creating a whole new wave of downtrodden poor who think they are doing better but haven’t yet realised that they can’t afford any Christmas pressies this year. Oh, and she had a baby.

Lowlights

According to the MSM there are none, but let’s just read between the lines, shall we?

Photoshopped image credit: Luke

2. Julie-Anne Genter. MP of the watermelon variety.

Highlights

Took every opportunity possible to get a picture of herself with a bicycle in the papers. Secured a Guinness World Record for Virtue Signalling by getting just such a picture in the paper while pretending to cycle to the hospital to give birth, for a caesarean, on a Sunday morning! Cleverly kept the hordes of supporters in gas guzzling SUVs out of shot.

Lowlight

Has so far been responsible for well over 350 avoidable road deaths this year.

Photoshopped image credit: Pixy

3. Meka Fightery. MP.

Highlights

Winner of the ‘Jake The Muss, Excellence in Brawling Award 2018’. Showed her staff who’s the boss and only left a small bruise. Now roams the halls of the back benches, picking fights with Claire Curran.

Lowlights

None actually, this was all she did all year.

Photoshopped image credit: Luke

4. Claire Curran. MP (MIA).

Highlights

Had an incredible year in the debating chamber. Successfully managed to avoid questions for weeks, only succumbing after she forgot to take her medication and replied to a serious question with, “Umm, ahh, ahh, umm, derp!” Was rewarded for her stellar performances with a cushy seat, a nice soft cushion and a lovely new leather-bound 2019 diary, way up at the back where the TV cameras don’t go, enabling her to rest undisturbed.

Lowlight

Is no longer a friend of Carol Hirschfeld.

5. Golly G. First fakeugee Melon MP.

Highlights

Wee Golriz started out the year as a complete unknown. She is now the Melon spokeswomxn for every single thing in existence. She has miraculously managed to attend every protest there has been in New Zealand (except for those racist, transphobic, anti-Muslim, extreme far far right events like the free speech one).

Lowlights

Failed to get a selfie with Hitler, Gadaffi, Saddam Hussein or Obama.

PHOTO: Golriz was part of the team that defended singer and songwriter Bikindi who was accused and later convicted of inciting genocide.

6. Girl-Guide Barbour-Evans. NZ’s first pregnant bloke.

Highlight

Became the first man in the history of the world to have a baby. Gave incredible interview on Pravda1 where she exclaimed, “It hurt like hell to squeeze the new bub out the end of my ‘shenis’ but it was so, like, worth it, it made me feel like such a big burly man. I just hope the baby doesn’t have serious mental health issues like her Mum”.

Lowlights

None, she’s amazing, she’s a man and she had a baaabyyyy.

7. Justine Sacks, aka Justine Hydrangea

Highlights

Justine and her pet, Nadia Abdullah-nab had the most amazing year ever. It only took one letter to the one hit wonder Lorde to get her (him?) to withdraw from a rock and roll (sic) tour of Israel. Lorde jumped on the BDS bandwagon and praised Justine for her amazing womanliness and general Hamas-loving awesomeness and promised to never have anything to do with any of those Palestine hating Israeli scum ever again (unless she needed a medical or technological breakthrough at some time in the future).

Lowlight

Had to set up a Give-a-little page to fund her legal case for hating on Israel.

8. Eugenie Sage, Melon MP and true green crusader.

Highlights

Not only opened up pristine forests to mining but successfully managed to purchase the world’s largest supply of 1080 poison for use in New Zealand’s forests. Was able to convince other green crusaders that, even though they have campaigned on an anti-1080 platform for years, they were all wrong.

Lowlight

Is upset that her Beagle Ears have not reached the levels of her longtime hero and mentor, Jeanette Fitzsimons.

Photoshopped image credit: Pixy

9. Helen Clark. Ex-Leader of the World.

Highlights

Helen has managed to tick off one of her biggest goals this year, the killing off of charity aid concert plans destined for her home rugby field. Residents of Mt Eden have rejoiced that, due to Helen’s forthright objections and the tacit approval by complicit media, they will now have peace and quiet for the one night of the year that they really really really wanted to watch the final episode of Shorty Street in their home cinemas.

Lowlight

Tens of thousands of premature babies in undeveloped countries have had to be put down due to their parents’ lack of access to Helen’s Twitter account.

10. Marama Davidson, MP and potty mouth.

Highlights

Ms Davidson made some real inroads this year into keeping people’s preferred pronouns in the news. Marama skillfully used her position to advise the nation, and the wee children that were in the audience, that she was to be forever now known as Marama Cuntlison. People rejoiced throughout the land strong in the knowledge that they could now call all Green MP’s exactly what they wanted to.

Lowlights

Had to think of another swear word to use when she stubbed her toe on what was left of her integrity.

Marama Cuntlison. Green Gunt

11. Paula Bennett, Ex-fatty and current orange person.

Highlights

Paula also had a great year, managing to turn herself into a skinny orange caricature of a Ken Doll. She has managed to lead the National Party from forced obscurity to oblivion, hanging on the coat tails of her plastic haired girlfriend, Sonya Bridges. Paula hosts wonderful events for Young Labour and Young Nats members who are hoping to get into parliament through the back door. She is a mentor extraordinaire.

12. And last but not least, a special mention for Nicola Hagar (Nicky), Raconteur. Nicky is a very strong headed young lady who has had another stellar year.

Highlights

Nicky overcame the inherent pale, stale, male bias of the written media and was able to publish another incredible work of fiction. This year’s story covered off an amazing fable of heroics in the line of fire. Young children sacrificing themselves for the greater good, and the amateurish, evil SAS force’s come-uppance at the hands of the truly righteous ‘Rat Faced Nicky’, hero to all victims of oppression.

Lowlights

Unfortunately, as it is not an election year, we are unlikely to see any more works of fiction from the lovely Nicky this year.

Nicola is so hot right now! **Photoshopped image.

So well done ladies, you have all thoroughly deserved this accolade. Merry Christmas to you all.


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