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Euthanasia: High-fiving the Reaper

Too Right
A regular column by John Black
The Black Sheep Blog
Rightminds

Death and taxes, they say, are the two unavoidable facts of existence. But taxes can be avoided if you sleep in Albert Park and play the bongo drums for spare change outside McDonald’s. Death, on the other hand, comes for us all. Even if you move to Gore, grow a full beard and change your name to ‘Wayne Sommersville’. That bastard reaper is relentless.

I take it personally that the universe wants me dead. My fear of dying of Alzheimer’s or an aggressive arse cancer or a sudden embarrassing cardiac arrest in a public place, drives me to drink; which increases my chances of dying of cirrhosis of the liver. I take it slightly less personally that everyone I know faces the same fate. Even the millennial dickhead in the street yesterday who blew his vape smoke in my face and grinned like I should be grateful to have a gust of mandarin and coriander smoke up my nostrils. Even him. Kind of. But if death comes to us all that’s no reason to put out the welcome mat.

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Leaked memo on proposed hate crime legislation

Too Right
A regular column by John Black
The Black Sheep Blog
Rightminds

Warning

This leaked memo is a work of fiction and is satirical.

The following was found in the men’s restroom of a Wellington Massage Parlour by a lady…of my acquaintance.


TOP SECRET MEMO
FOR GREEN PARTY MEMBERS ONLY.
TOPICS: HATE CRIME PROPOSALS AND HOW TO GET GLUTEN-FREE VEGAN SOY-SUBSTITUTE SAUSAGE ROLLS SERVED IN BELLAMYS


Ki Ora, Talofa, Namaste, Ni-hao, Salaam Alaikum and Helloooooo! (the recently adopted official greeting of our gay brothers and sisters.
The Green Party leadership is issuing this memo to confirm the matters discussed at our recent meeting.

First our apologies for the grim tone of the presentation on climate change entitled, ‘We are all totally F*%#ED’. A reminder to all members that we must not become too disheartened by the impending destruction of mother earth by evil mankind (not women-kind or trans-kind, they aren’t responsible). We have therefore postponed the mass protest suicides planned for the steps of parliament. They will now take place next year concurrent with the re-election of Donald Trump, weather permitting.


Concrete proposals to fight climate change were adopted:

  1. The Spokesperson for Energy and Resources will halve his classic car collection.
  2. All cow anuses will be fitted with catalytic converters.
  3. The Minister for Climate Change will begin a nationwide campaign to conserve electricity by encouraging people to make love with the lights off.
    Special thanks to the minister’s wife for suggesting the idea.
    The need for Hate Crime Legislation was discussed due to the devastating, unprovoked and outrageous attacks on our comrade, Golriz Ghahraman. And that Christchurch thing.
    Members agreed to draft a bill:
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The Ardernian delusion

Too Right
A regular column by John Black
The Black Sheep Blog
Rightminds

A fortnight ago our government took on an awesome responsibility: the wellbeing of 4.8 million souls. The ‘wellbeing’ budget, after suffering more leaks than a hedgehog’s raincoat, was unveiled to the world and immediately received breathless approval from progressive international media such as the Guardian. Back here, amongst the people who actually have to pay for the 3.8 billion dollars spent over four years (1.9 of it on ‘mental health’), support was more tepid. Many of us were simply confused. I for one had been labouring under the misapprehension that I was responsible for my own wellbeing.

That’s what my mum told me, anyway.

The trouble with the concept of ‘wellbeing’ is that we all have our own version of it. For me a plunge in the price of single malt scotch, a sudden outbreak of infectious female nymphomania and the entire Australian cricket team developing explosive diarrhoea on the eve of their next World Cup game would all improve my wellbeing immensely. For others it’s all about family, community and world peace.

The freaks.

However, here at the John Black Institute for Sensible Suggestions we have been working on some measures to improve national wellbeing which we think all New Zealanders can agree on. What’s more, unlike the budget they won’t cost you, my fellow taxpayers, one red cent.

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The shocking truth about Brown supremacy in NZ

Too Right
A regular column by John Black
The Black Sheep Blog
Rightminds

Information

Satire

This week John Black is volunteering at a leper colony in East Africa. His place is taken by a well-known television reporter…

THE SHOCKING TRUTH ABOUT BROWN SUPREMACY IN NEW ZEALAND

A brave expose by a very brave and important reporter.

Being a fearless reporter that is also brave, when the boss asked me to investigate brown supremacy in New Zealand I knew things could get rough. What I didn’t realize was how rough. What I uncovered almost made me soil my Barker’s Menswear suit (the Hampton charcoal with waistcoat). Yes, this investigation was to take a serious personal toll.

I would even have to leave the office.

True, it was only to get a soy latte, but I needed it to stay awake while I surfed the internet all night.

That’s where I started. The internet. I hadn’t really been a fan previously. I mainly used it to order handmade Italian ties and book Austrian skiing holidays. But I thought I knew its dangers. Once when the wife was away I got lonely, locked my bedroom door and spent three hours googling myself.

I felt ashamed after. Only three measly hits.

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Marijuana is a filthy drug & makes you retarded…

Too Right
A regular column by John Black
The Black Sheep Blog
Rightminds


MARIJUANA IS A FILTHY DRUG AND MAKES YOU RETARDED…WHEREAS ALCOHOL AND CIGARS MAKE YOU SMART AND BRAVE

A pseudo-scientific inquiry by John Black


A year and a half out from the cannabis referendum and the air is thick with pot-head panegyrics to the delights of Mary Jane. Well I’m here to tell you the dope fiends have got it wrong. It’s almost as if their minds have been befuddled by some substance they have been ingesting on a regular basis. Listen up youngsters and read my quips: Marijuana is a filthy drug for greenies, hipsters and social studies teachers. Morons in other words. If you smoke it you may become one too.

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A man in a MAGA hat visits the Women’s bookshop

Information

Satire

Too Right
A regular column by John Black
The Black Sheep Blog
Rightminds

There is a time in every man’s life when he must stare the cyclops of destiny in its ocular singularity and neither flinch nor flee. Wellington at Waterloo, Custer at Little Bighorn, Mel Gibson at Gallipoli.

Mine was last Saturday.

Mother’s Day was fast approaching and I had tracked down the perfect gift for the woman who gave me free internal room and board for nine months. It was a book, the last in a series my mother was devoted to, of interest to ladies in the latter stages of life. Something about a woman discovering herself through exploring vineyards in Tuscany with an Algerian boy toy. Or perhaps she was discovering the vineyards and exploring the boy toy. I forget. Anyway it was a book which could only be purchased at such a late hour at The Women’s Bookshop in Ponsonby.

Ponsonby.

To the Right thinking individual, Ponsonby is the techno-beating heart of enemy territory. The hip nexus of trustafarian faddishness, radical feminist-green-queer lunacy and NIMBY chardonnay socialist elitism. All that’s shrivelling to the soul and the testicles in one foul suburb.

This trip was gonna be grim.

I needed fortification. A tinder dry vodka martini in the late Autumnal sun. I got to thinking. Why the trepidation? This was New Zealand damn it! I could go wherever I wanted. No man or woman or gender non-compliant being was gonna make me feel I didn’t belong. Through the wonderful alchemy of alcohol my annoyance soon turned to an empathic expansiveness of the heart. They were my fellow kiwis, these Ponsonby lardy-da lefties, they would see reason, wouldn’t they?

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Gratitude: A conservative virtue

Too Right
A regular column by John Black
The Black Sheep Blog
Rightminds

The essence of the conservative attitude is perhaps best illustrated by G.K Chesterton?s metaphor of the fence. Imagine a fence across a road. A progressive (or ?reformer? as Chesterton has it) says ?I don?t see the use of this. Let us clear it away.? The conservative stays his hand, arguing that someone must have put the fence there for a reason, and it should not be removed until that reason is known.

So caution then, and a conviction that ?our fathers were not fools? is what Chesterton sees at the heart of conservatism.

Not wishing to try and improve upon Chesterton (that would be presumptuous and not ?conservative ?at all) I would just like to offer a modest addendum. The conservative is also thankful for the effort taken to erect the fence. That someone, possibly no longer living, went to the trouble to improve things in the world that benefits us here today.

Conservatism is about gratitude.

Gratitude for the struggles and achievements of those who have gone before us.

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‘Life of Brian’ forty years on

Life of Brian

Too Right
A regular column by John Black
The Black Sheep Blog
Rightminds

Monty Python?s Life of Brian, that classic, scabrous machine gunning of Christian piety has turned 40 years old. In the spirit of Easter, Event Cinemas Queen St scheduled a screening on Holy Thursday night. There was (to my knowledge) not one single complaint.

I decided to go along to see if it still holds up. It is hard to describe the impact this movie had on me when I first saw it aged 14. Raised in a mass attending, fish-on-a-Friday, Virgin Mary revering Catholic home, to see that same Virgin Mary played by a middle-aged man in drag (Terry Jones) was as shocking as it was hilarious. Or hilarious because it was shocking. At the time of its release, there were serious efforts to ban the film as blasphemous, successfully so in Ireland and Norway. The Pythons used this to their advantage, “So funny it was banned in Norway” was included in advertising ? in Sweden).

But having long ago thrown away my Catholic Church membership card, and professing Christians in the general population having declined to the same numbers as model train enthusiasts or square dancing aficionados, I wondered if it would retain its capacity to shock.

The answer turned out to be yes, but not in the way I first presumed.

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In search of the rare endangered White supremacist

*Satire

Too Right
A regular column by John Black
The Black Sheep Blog
Rightminds

As somebody once said, ?You should try everything once except incest and Morris dancing.? (Who exactly said that we are unsure but when you reflect on how they knew to steer clear of the first of these, it?s probably for the best that they retain their anonymity). So when a chance arises not three kilometres from your place of residence to catch a glimpse of a creature of near mythic reputation, previously thought to be long extinct, you take it. I write of course of the sudden sighting of the fabled, extremely rare white supremacist within the bounds of our own Auckland University.

An open letter from a group of students to the University management has alerted the world to their discovery of this strange and elusive species. Their tell-tale territorial markings ? swastikas and racist graffiti ? are apparently all over campus. Not only that but actual, real live NAZIS, the worst of the species, infest the place. The place is lousy with them. According to the anonymous letter you cannot move for goose-stepping, Sieg Heiling, Aryan goons.

So off I set with camera and butterfly net with dreams of being on the front cover of National Geographic. Initially, the signs were good. On a street lamp across from Albert Park I found this:

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Are we a racist country?

NZ Comedian Billy T James

Too Right
A regular column by John Black
The Black Sheep Blog
Rightminds

I?m half-Maori and half-Scottish: One half of me wants to get drunk and the other half doesn?t want to pay for it. 

Billy T James


The ten-year-old John Black heard this joke on the Billy T James show circa 1985 and repeated it to everyone he knew. My horrified mother insisted I change ?Maori? to ?Irish?. While being slightly disappointed at this adult censorship, I could see her point, given my actual ancestry and the way Uncle Pat acted at Christmas.

That?s about as bad as it got in our house, racism-wise. So it is with some surprise that I awoke on the day after Christchurch to find all this time I had been living in a country fair riddled with racial animus.

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