Bob Jones

Bob Jones on poofs, short people, stupid people and officious wankers, especially Air NZ staff

Bob Jones is back at NBR…and it is superb. I can’t wait for Generation Snowflake to become outraged.

He revisits his Air New Zealand issues:

In recent years God’s been a great deal more imaginative and doubtless with much heavenly tee-heeing, has inflicted upon us a terrible new pestilence in the form of petty officialdom. I refer to the massive growth of uniformed, largely nincompoop employment requiring no intellect but alas, occasional judgement, an alarmingly contradictory combine which causes us all so much grief.  A senior Detective once said to me, the one thing he’s learnt about policemen is you can’t teach judgement, this following an outrage on a courier for which I negotiated a settlement.  That said, these activities, all necessary to varying degrees, include firemen, air hostesses, policemen, immigration and custom officers and many more, but most notably, the explosion in so-called safety-inspectors with their infantile obsessions seeing certain death in every human activity.   Read more »

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Bob Jones on useless pimping media

Bob Jones is still a national treasure. In his column at NBR he hooks into Fairfax and the NZ Herald:

I once wrote an article speculating about what would happen if there was no news and reached the conclusion that on well-established form, reporters would simply invent it.

Bob, mate, they already do and have done for decades.

Believe it or not, that actually arose in early January.  For three days, nothing significant happened; no murders no interesting courtroom dramas, the politicians were on holiday, no mad murdering Muslim episodes, just nothing. Sure we had an amazing last day at the Basin against Bangladesh but that was sports page territory and you can’t fill the paper with it.  So some journos set to and made up the news.    Read more »

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Bob Jones on the seemingly permanent housing crisis

Bob Jones writes at NBR about the housing crisis, but first a little history lesson.

Wait – hold your horses! Before readers start screaming, setting fire to their NBR, boxing their wives’ ears and rushing into the streets sobbing “no more, please God no more about the bloody housing crisis,” believe it or not, the opening paragraph above comes from the NZ Building Progress editorial in November 1918.

The magazine was our building and architectural monthly trade journal a century back and the reason I have copies is my penchant for picking up old publications in second-hand bookshops. They never fail to give one pause for thought when perusing them, as that editorial demonstrates.   Read more »

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Air NZ boss mortified he nearly killed national treasure Bob Jones

Sir-Bob-Jones-1200

Eff off Chris

Last week we covered Bob Jones’ NBR column about how the CEO of Air NZ, Christopher Luxon, nearly saw him off.

Luxon responds this week, mortified he nearly killed Bob Jones:

I was mortified to read last week that I had inadvertently almost killed Sir Bob Jones with my mindless claptrap and worthless wittering. I was both surprised and dismayed to learn of the damage I had caused. Surprised, because I had assumed that this colossus of New Zealand was made of sterner stuff.  Dismayed, because I am a huge admirer of his.

Sir Bob first came into my consciousness in 1984 when I was 13. No mindless claptrap or mangled mutterings on inequality, infrastructure and national identity for him. He was so dissatisfied with the direction of the country that he pulled down Muldoon’s despotic government handing the election to David Lange’s Labour Party. “Prosperity and freedom” was his catch cry and he was the catalyst for the much-needed reform to our economy and society that followed. We are all in debt to that great man for having the courage of his convictions and with tremendous apologies to Fred Dagg “we don’t know how fortunate we were to have that man, we don’t know how propitious were the circumstances”.

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Bob Jones on the Parker fight fiasco

Bob Jones writes at NBR:

For nearly seven decades boxing has been part of my life. That includes Joseph, who I sponsored in his amateur days and managed in his initial professional years.  Plus, I count as friends promoter Duco’s Runyanesque principals Dean Lonergan and David Higgins, who I contracted Joseph to, and also his Las Vegas-based trainer Kevin Barry, who I arranged to look after Parker.

So should I run along with the lapdog media and pretend this fairly non-descript matching is actually for the world heavyweight title, or instead care about the sport’s credibility?

I chose the latter path, more so after watching Trevor McKewen, the sports editor of NZME, owners of the Herald, Radio Sport etc. unbelievably tell television it will be the greatest event in Auckland’s history. God help us all. That remark is possibly the most stupid ever uttered in Auckland’s history and this contest wouldn’t rate in the first 10,000 events, sporting and otherwise in the city’s history.

When it comes to rugby, league, cricket, soccer and netball, our sports journalists are excellent. But with the exception of Joseph Romanos and Mark Reason, who always do their homework, they’re unprofessional, indolent slobs when commenting on minor sport, especially boxing.

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Can corporate weasel words cause strokes?

Did Christopher Luxon's corporate weasel words cause Bob Jones to have a stroke?

Did Christopher Luxon’s corporate weasel words cause Bob Jones to have a stroke?

National treasure, Bob Jones, thinks that corporate weasel words can cause strokes.

Worse, he thinks Air New Zealand’s CEO caused his stroke.

I was perusing the Herald’s farcical annual supplement, “Mood of the Boardroom,” in which various public company chief executives’ platitudes on the state of the nation are aired. That the Herald thinks these characters have anything meaningful to say says plenty about journalists’ naivety.

Worldwide, the primary qualification for such positions is possessing a “safe pair of hands,” and a kick-for-touch approach to everything. Having opinions on anything beyond established orthodoxy would mean automatic disqualification for the job. The exceptions are the likes of, say, Rod Duke who actually created their companies.

Anyway, there I was; someone who, according to my GP, has the fitness of a 40-year-old, regular health checks, satisfactory blood pressure and a strong heart, this all pertinent to what occurred, reading this guff when I encountered a heading, “Strategic Thinking from Air New Zealand’s Chief Christopher Luxon,” this arguably the most banal nonsense ever to see the light of day since Gutenberg invented the printing press. I ploughed through with increasing outrage and, as my horror mounted, suddenly my brain turned to mush and I had a stroke.

Oh no, a stroke…caused by the NZ Herald. Read more »

Bob Jones on Matthew Hooton

Matthew Hooton is the latest person to draw the ire of national treasure Bob Jones.

After explaining some travesties of reporting against him by various media outlets he then sets about excoriating Matthew Hooton.

Despite my comments, I love newspapers and specially the Dom. But I give it maybe five more years due to the short-sighted Fairfax cost-cutting destroying all their publications. The latest newspaper circulation figures show it suffered a disastrous 14.4% drop in sales last year. Every newspaper is experiencing steady drops but none as bad as that.  Staff lay-offs have become a regular feature of late. These sackees are being mopped up by the Weather Office where their creativity has proven a boon to the forecasting department. The sole New Zealand exception is The National Business Review, which alone deservedly enjoyed a growth in sales.

Still, when it comes to fiction-writing, nothing surpasses NBR’sMatthew Hooton’s July effort headed “Bob Jones’ right-hand man set to save Labour.” Over a full page it described how Greg Loveridge was to be the next Labour leader. Apparently he was about to abandon his $9 million Auckland home and recently acquired $3.5 million Waiheke week-ender and shift to Wainuiomata for God’s sake, to pursue Trevor Mallard’s seat, as a first step to taking over the Labour leadership. Hooton backed all of this with an extraordinary NBR radio interview in which he outlined this virtually as a fait-accompli.   Read more »

Some investment advice from Bob Jones

Bob Jones gives some essential investment advice for those looking to invest in commercial property in provincial towns.

Provincial towns world-wide are in steady decline. New Zealand is no exception. There are good reasons for that and they won’t change. A foremost one is tertiary education, now being enjoyed by more than 50% of our kids and rising. Take a student heading to Victoria University from say Hawera and living in the capital for 4 years, completing a degree. Even if pursuing a conventional career such as accounting, law or medicine, never in a million years will he or she then return to Hawera for reasons I hardly need to spell out.

The consequence of this is evident in our provincial towns today where you will now see the same faces portrayed 500 years ago by Bruegel in Flanders. Friendly coves to be sure but don’t expect scintillating discussion. So too in other western countries.

There’s another fail-safe test. If you can spot pretty girls over 20 or young blokes in suits in their late 20s to early 30s in a town then its current prospects remain hopeful. Otherwise, both categories have fled to the big cities. As a keen student of such matters, only Dunedin gets a tick, that is if one categorises it as a provincial city. Try finding a pretty girl over 20 or a young bloke in a suit in say Wanganui or Timaru and you will look in vain.

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Bob Jones continues to lambast useless journalists

Bob Jones is a national treasure and since he got the pip with the NZ Herald has been writing at NBR.

His latest column continues the theme of previous weeks of lambasting useless journalists, this week it is Bernard Hickey and Rod Oram.

He discusses his pet hates about real estate writers and advertisements, in particular a comment by Sally Lindsay about the port having a “footprint”.

I imagine many other NBR readers also on reading that “footprint” outrage like me, collapsed into a coma.

An hour later I’d recovered enough to pull myself up on to my bed where after a further hour recovering I braved deeper into that NBR issue. Thank God I did so while lying on my bed, or more specifically, thank you Sally for putting me there, for reading further on I came to an article that had I been standing, might have killed me with shock. Even today I’m still a bit twitchy and having to take calming-down pills every hour. For, unbelievably, Bernard Hickey had created an all-time first and had contributed a positive article, its contents irrelevant to my point.

About four years ago I wrote a NZ Herald  column urging Bernard and Rod Oram,  now that pre-frontal lobotomies are discredited, to try a more time proven cheering-up remedy, and take on a mistress. Judging by his new happy-faced photo over his article, plus its hitherto unprecedented positive tone, it’s clear that like all converts, whether religious, political or what have you, Bernard has taken things to extremes and instead of following my moderate advice, has instead created a harem.

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Bob Jones on the uselessness of tertiary courses, the Dompost and the Dompost journalists

Bob Jones is a national treasure, and in this week’s NBR he has out done himself on the insults.

It is rather special as he discusses the general uselessness of the Dompost, its journalists and education in general.

“Teachers struggle for jobs” was the welcome front page heading in the Dominion-Post a week back.

Before readers jump up and down, I’ll explain the ‘welcome’ bit. There has been a change of editor, meaning people with weak hearts can now resume reading the front page. Under the previous office-holder whose reign corresponded with a massive circulation decline, the mind-boggling fictions, disgraceful created non-stories and sheer nonsense bespoiling the Dom’s front page, plumbed depths never hitherto reached in the annals of newspaper publishing.

Nonsense articles still continue to entertain, only not on the front page. For example, not once but twice in the last few week’s, the Dominion-Post has described Kiwi Property as New Zealand’s largest listed company.

But back to the school-teacher story, published incidentally, under the obviously mickey-taking fictitious name, Laura Dooney. Ever heard of a ‘Dooney,’ aside from which, given the piece was well-written, anyone competent having such a name would long since have changed it by deed-poll.  Be that as it may, the item claimed we’re pumping out school-teachers who are unable to obtain jobs. It cited the Ministry of Education advising that only 15%, for God’s sake, of new teaching graduates, are able to secure permanent teaching employment. This over-supply outrage was attributed by the NZEI president Louise Green, inter alia, to “teacher training providers, eager to sustain numbers and thus corresponding funding.”

Whoever wrote the story (like you, I can’t believe the Dom’s ‘Dooney’ try-on) missed an even bigger one, namely that specialist courses graduate over-supply goes far beyond teaching.

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