humour

Colin Craig faces down his worst enemy

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I am a vagina hear me roar

Climate Change used to be Global Warming but then someone realised that, due to a lack of evidence that the globe was actually warming, they’d better change the language rather than admit they were wrong.

In other examples, people have tried to make bad things sound better by changing the language. Making offensive, hurtful or just factual words sound kinder is the underlying justification for most of the politically correct language that we hear today.

I can understand to some degree why people wanted to replace the word retarded with intellectually handicapped for example. However, retarded isn’t a cruel word it is simply a statement of fact. All kinds of things can be retarded as it means less advanced.

Yesterday, however, on Newsroom I read a headline that contained a new politically correct term that made my jaw drop in amazement.

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Single-use condoms added to banned list

Satire


Shoppers won’t find single-use condoms in Countdone stores from October 1 – they’ll be off the shelves.

Countdone is removing them from all stores and replacing them with a range of alternatives including celibacy and abstinence.

Sustainable Coastlines co-founder and lead Hamden Howsitt said single-use condoms were commonly found on New Zealand beaches. Read more »

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The secret diary of Jan Thomas

Satire


Monday

Dear Diary

my neighbour Manawa told me today how upset she was when her boyfriend told her that he doesn’t like pork and puha. I have learned from my extensive study of Maori culture that pork and puha is a traditional Maori dish and it worries me deeply that her pakeha boyfriend would treat Maori culture with such disdain. I have never eaten it myself but I am sure that it is delicious.

Tuesday

Dear Diary

Edward the pommy postman and I were chatting today and he was upset at the outcome of the Maori ward vote and said that my university should not have allowed people to argue against them as it diminished the value of Te Tiriti o Waitangi. I agreed with him and said that my university was not a place for anti-Maori sentiments as they might influence the hearts and minds of my students and it is my job to protect them. I promised him that we would do better in the future.

I have an intimate family dinner planned for Sunday and my son has told me that he is bringing a young woman to it to meet his parents. I am so excited as I think this could well be my future daughter-in-law!

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Supermarkets want their baskets back

*Humour.

Newsie reports that there must be a lot of Whaleoil readers in the Orewa area. quote:

Countdown has put out a call for customers to return any green shopping baskets that they have taken home, so that they can be made available for other shoppers.

A consequence of removing single use plastic bags from Countdown supermarkets in Orewa and Silverdale last month has been that some customers who forget to bring reusable bags are taking the green plastic baskets home with them instead. end quote.

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Ardern’s speech ‘leaked’ to Whaleoil

Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern winking gif

Satire.


 

Dear proletariat.

We are proud of what I have accomplished in our first year after the previous nine years of neglect by the previous government.

In the last year, I have successfully managed to kowtow to Greenpeace and have destroyed the provinces occupied by greenhouse gas producing, water consuming cows. Oh, and I also dealt to those cows with mandatory cullings.

Speaking of cullings, my dearest flatmate Claire accepted the resignation letter that happened to slide in front of her following a conversation in my office. That was a hard thing to bear, but I remain hopeful that Meka will whakaingoatia shortly (which is Te Reo by the way).

You see, we are a coalition that stands for cuts.

Cut out pay rises, cut cows, cut charter schools, cut free speech, cut single-use plastic bags, cut off any option of repatriating the terminally ill Bali holidaymaker, cut guest appearances on scheduled TV slots, cut cabinet ministers, cut business confidence, cut important ties with 5 Eye partners. We did this!

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Transcribed exactly as spoken: For immediate release

Satire


Statement of the Prime Minister; the Honourable Jacinda Kate Laurell and Hardy Ardern on falsehoods.

Transcribed, exactly as spoken, by her loyal staff. For immediate release:


Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern winking gif


Uhm. look, I dunno.

People are being mean.

I did not, uhm, ah, lie to the public yesderday.

It was not the public, it was a man, it was just one bloke, uhm, and it was not a lie; he possidively said, my staff transcibed it, ‘are you gunna fire her’ and my answer was of course ‘no’. I saw the transcript, that’s what it, that’s what I said.

That’s what it said I said. That’s what they told me to say, and, keep in mind that I am a bacholeress of poliddical communications, so I am very precise.

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Good grief: Bike lanes down the middle of the road!

Road maggot can’t even ride on the correct sharrow lane. Needs to hold Mum’s hand! Photo credit: Scott Hammon. Stuff.

I’m not sure what goes on in the heads of some of the people employed by councils that are tasked with engineering our roads.

Some brilliant engineering mind down in Blenheim has come up with a new super dangerous cycle lane on Beaver St, and there is even a ridiculous new name for the markings.

What we have here apparently, are not just a picture of an old school bike with some chevrons above it, they are in fact ‘sharrows’! Read more »

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The 2020 General Election

NB: no current or former politicians were harmed during the writing of this satirical article.

As General Election nights went the mandate of 2020 had been accompanied by the usual levels of insanity and odd occurrences; perpetrated by people who would otherwise have been going about their day to day activities in a much more sedate and mundane manner.

A buck naked Real Estate agent, with no reported political affiliations, had jumped from the middle of the Auckland Harbour bridge, suffering two broken legs in the process, all the while yelling “I’m your leader! Follow me!”

Further south, an elderly woman from Fairlie had held up a Pie Cart and made off with its entire takings of 37 dollars and 75 cents. The police had apprehended her a short while later at the local Sports bar when she had caused a scene after losing all of her ill-gotten gains in the town’s only Pokie machine.

None of these events, however, were noticed or spoken of in the Mount Albert Electorate where the current prime minister and her staunch band of Labour party stalwarts were eagerly waiting for the results to come in.

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Satirical image of the day

Satirical image credit: SB

Pakistan’s new PM is going to the United Nations to try to stop all Muhammad cartoons and in particular Geert Wilders’ upcoming cartoon contest.

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