humour

The secret diary of Jan Thomas

Satire


Monday

Dear Diary

my neighbour Manawa told me today how upset she was when her boyfriend told her that he doesn’t like pork and puha. I have learned from my extensive study of Maori culture that pork and puha is a traditional Maori dish and it worries me deeply that her pakeha boyfriend would treat Maori culture with such disdain. I have never eaten it myself but I am sure that it is delicious.

Tuesday

Dear Diary

Edward the pommy postman and I were chatting today and he was upset at the outcome of the Maori ward vote and said that my university should not have allowed people to argue against them as it diminished the value of Te Tiriti o Waitangi. I agreed with him and said that my university was not a place for anti-Maori sentiments as they might influence the hearts and minds of my students and it is my job to protect them. I promised him that we would do better in the future.

I have an intimate family dinner planned for Sunday and my son has told me that he is bringing a young woman to it to meet his parents. I am so excited as I think this could well be my future daughter-in-law!

Read more »

If you agree with me that’s nice, but what I really want to achieve is to make you question the status quo, look between the lines and do your own research. Do not be a passive observer in this game we call life.

You can follow me on Gab.ai 

To read my previous articles click on my name in blue.

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Supermarkets want their baskets back

*Humour.

Newsie reports that there must be a lot of Whaleoil readers in the Orewa area. quote:

Countdown has put out a call for customers to return any green shopping baskets that they have taken home, so that they can be made available for other shoppers.

A consequence of removing single use plastic bags from Countdown supermarkets in Orewa and Silverdale last month has been that some customers who forget to bring reusable bags are taking the green plastic baskets home with them instead. end quote.

Read more »

Accountant. Boring. Loves tax. Needs to get out more. Loves the environment, but hates the Greens. Has been called a dinosaur. Wears it with pride.

To read my previous articles click on my name in blue.

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Ardern’s speech ‘leaked’ to Whaleoil

Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern winking gif

Satire.


 

Dear proletariat.

We are proud of what I have accomplished in our first year after the previous nine years of neglect by the previous government.

In the last year, I have successfully managed to kowtow to Greenpeace and have destroyed the provinces occupied by greenhouse gas producing, water consuming cows. Oh, and I also dealt to those cows with mandatory cullings.

Speaking of cullings, my dearest flatmate Claire accepted the resignation letter that happened to slide in front of her following a conversation in my office. That was a hard thing to bear, but I remain hopeful that Meka will whakaingoatia shortly (which is Te Reo by the way).

You see, we are a coalition that stands for cuts.

Cut out pay rises, cut cows, cut charter schools, cut free speech, cut single-use plastic bags, cut off any option of repatriating the terminally ill Bali holidaymaker, cut guest appearances on scheduled TV slots, cut cabinet ministers, cut business confidence, cut important ties with 5 Eye partners. We did this!

Read more »

A guest post submitted to Whaleoil and edited by Whaleoil staff.

Guest Post content does not necessarily reflect the views of the site or its editor. Guest Post content is offered for discussion and for alternative points of view.

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Transcribed exactly as spoken: For immediate release

Satire


Statement of the Prime Minister; the Honourable Jacinda Kate Laurell and Hardy Ardern on falsehoods.

Transcribed, exactly as spoken, by her loyal staff. For immediate release:


Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern winking gif


Uhm. look, I dunno.

People are being mean.

I did not, uhm, ah, lie to the public yesderday.

It was not the public, it was a man, it was just one bloke, uhm, and it was not a lie; he possidively said, my staff transcibed it, ‘are you gunna fire her’ and my answer was of course ‘no’. I saw the transcript, that’s what it, that’s what I said.

That’s what it said I said. That’s what they told me to say, and, keep in mind that I am a bacholeress of poliddical communications, so I am very precise.

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Living in Wellington idbkiwi is self-employed in a non-governmental role which suits his masochistic tendencies. He watches very little television, preferring to read or research, but still subscribes to the daily paper despite his distillation of dismay and disappointment at the very low standards of the modern press on every opening of the awful rag.

He is married, to an obviously very unfortunate woman, and has a family who allegedly loves him despite his right-wing nut-job views on life and the meaning of. He believes laughter is the best medicine for whatever ails you, closely, very closely, followed by wine. He hopes to reach retirement, both alive and eventually.

To read my previous articles click on my name in blue.

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Good grief: Bike lanes down the middle of the road!

Road maggot can’t even ride on the correct sharrow lane. Needs to hold Mum’s hand! Photo credit: Scott Hammon. Stuff.

I’m not sure what goes on in the heads of some of the people employed by councils that are tasked with engineering our roads.

Some brilliant engineering mind down in Blenheim has come up with a new super dangerous cycle lane on Beaver St, and there is even a ridiculous new name for the markings.

What we have here apparently, are not just a picture of an old school bike with some chevrons above it, they are in fact ‘sharrows’! Read more »

ExPFC, ex lots of things. Husband to a great woman. Father to great kids. Traveller, teller of tall tales, wannabe capitalist property magnate. I’m a passionate user of fossil fuels, a proud Kiwi, Ford over Holden, Indy over F1, V8’s over everything else.

To read my previous articles click on my name in blue.

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The 2020 General Election

NB: no current or former politicians were harmed during the writing of this satirical article.

As General Election nights went the mandate of 2020 had been accompanied by the usual levels of insanity and odd occurrences; perpetrated by people who would otherwise have been going about their day to day activities in a much more sedate and mundane manner.

A buck naked Real Estate agent, with no reported political affiliations, had jumped from the middle of the Auckland Harbour bridge, suffering two broken legs in the process, all the while yelling “I’m your leader! Follow me!”

Further south, an elderly woman from Fairlie had held up a Pie Cart and made off with its entire takings of 37 dollars and 75 cents. The police had apprehended her a short while later at the local Sports bar when she had caused a scene after losing all of her ill-gotten gains in the town’s only Pokie machine.

None of these events, however, were noticed or spoken of in the Mount Albert Electorate where the current prime minister and her staunch band of Labour party stalwarts were eagerly waiting for the results to come in.

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ORANGE

  • A large round juicy citrus fruit with a tough bright reddish-yellow rind.

AMBER

  • Hard translucent fossilized resin originating from extinct coniferous trees of the Tertiary period, typically yellowish in colour. It has been used in jewellery since antiquity.

ORINJAMBA

  • Fifth generation Kiwi, social-political writer who left the Left sometime back and turned right. Heavily reliant on spell check with hopefully the intelligence to admit when he’s wrong and the humility to see the truth, irrespective of where it’s found.

To read my previous articles click on my name in blue.

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Satirical image of the day

Satirical image credit: SB

Pakistan’s new PM is going to the United Nations to try to stop all Muhammad cartoons and in particular Geert Wilders’ upcoming cartoon contest.

If you agree with me that’s nice, but what I really want to achieve is to make you question the status quo, look between the lines and do your own research. Do not be a passive observer in this game we call life.

You can follow me on Gab.ai 

To read my previous articles click on my name in blue.

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Politics is like hair

I am sure you will be as shocked to hear (as I was) that our dear Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern had to buy her own food and clothes with her pocket money when she was a teenager. She even had to buy her own shampoo and conditioner to prevent her locks becoming all lank and greasy like the common folk.

She recalled her struggle to get by as the child of government employees. Sadly their professional incomes were unable to stretch to cover the cost of the basics like hair dye.

Read more »

If you agree with me that’s nice, but what I really want to achieve is to make you question the status quo, look between the lines and do your own research. Do not be a passive observer in this game we call life.

You can follow me on Gab.ai 

To read my previous articles click on my name in blue.

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Whaleoil readers revolt

Just as we asked you to.

You may remember, a week ago, we suggested that everyone should start borrowing the green supermarket baskets to the car to carry your items home, now that supermarkets are no longer giving out plastic bags.

Well, I’m impressed. You have all done so well at it, you have made the news.

Countdown reports that people are now ‘stealing’ their green supermarket baskets to take their purchases home. quote:

A plastic bag ban has prompted some Dunedin shoppers to walk out of a supermarket’s grounds taking shopping baskets and trolleys with them.

Countdown supermarkets in Dunedin and Mosgiel stopped using single-use plastic carry bags on August 13, responding to concerns about the effect of plastics on the environment.

Responding to a query from the Otago Daily Times, Countdown Dunedin Central store manager Ron Andrew said baskets had been going missing, and his team planned to collect any trolleys and baskets left in the street.

“We’ve seen some baskets go missing this week, which is of course a little disappointing, but we also understand that sometimes behaviour change can be tough.” end quote.

I think it is unfair to call it ‘stealing’. We are simply borrowing the baskets. How else are you supposed to get your groceries home?

Some people are finding this works better than the plastic bags. After all, your groceries are much more secure in the basket.

And it isn’t just Dunedin either. Similar activity has been spotted in Blenheim, Auckland and Lower Hutt. quote:

Andrew said he planned to do reusable bag giveaways in the North Dunedin area to help university students “build their collection”.

People who brought back a basket would be given a reusable bag in return, “no questions asked”. end quote.

Read more »

Accountant. Boring. Loves tax. Needs to get out more. Loves the environment, but hates the Greens. Has been called a dinosaur. Wears it with pride.

To read my previous articles click on my name in blue.

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Maybe I should quit the blog & go work for Golly G

I am dusting off the old C.V because a fabulous job opportunity has come available. The position is Parliamentary Executive Support and Researcher to Golriz Ghahraman, MP

It looks exciting Quote

Working alongside Golriz Ghahraman, MP you will enjoy a fast paced and varied role. The purpose of this role is to enable Golriz to be effective in fulfilling her responsibilities to the public of New Zealand. end quote.

Oh. Oh dear. That would be quite a challenge. I could certainly give her a few pointers on how to stop saying stupid things like asking the minister of defence what he is going to do to protect New Zealanders from climate change for example.

Read more »

If you agree with me that’s nice, but what I really want to achieve is to make you question the status quo, look between the lines and do your own research. Do not be a passive observer in this game we call life.

You can follow me on Gab.ai 

To read my previous articles click on my name in blue.

Tagged: