Breaking News: Kim Dotcom has a plan

Kim Dotcom called Nicky Hager and said, “Nicky, I haf a plan to defeat ze National Party.

“Great Kim, but how?” asked Nicky.

“We’ll get some clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Kiwis wear, zen stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever.

Zen, we’ll go to a nice old country bar and show them how much admiration and respect we have for ze hard working people living there.”

So they did, and found just the place they were looking for. With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.

The Bartender took a step back and said, “Hey! Aren’t you Kim Dotcom and Nicky Hager?”

“Yes we are!” said Kim, “And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Nicky suggested we stop and haf a nice cold beer.”

They ordered a round of Speights for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

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Where are they now?

I do enjoy those ‘ Where are they now? ‘ articles about child actors don’t you? It is always interesting to see how they turned out later in life.

I really enjoyed the movie Charlie and the Chocolate factory when I was a kid and all the memorable characters. It was not a politically correct show by any means as the Oompa-loompas would never get past the censors these days as I am sure someone would be offended. The main characters as I remember them were…

1 Willy Wonka
2 Charlie Bucket
3 Grandpa Joe
4 Augustus Gloop
5 Violet Beauregarde
6 Veruca Salt
7 Mike Teavee
8 Arthur Slugworth
9 Oompa-Loompas

I decided to do some research to find out what happened to some of the more memorable ones.

Augustus Gloop

Veruca Salt,

Arthur Slugworth

Oompa-Loompa number 4.



Veruca Salt

Veruca Salt is a girl who wants every, single thing: the second person to find a Golden Ticket, and the third to leave the tour. A selfish, rotten brat who shows her family no mercy and has absolutely no regard for other people’s property, Veruca frequently bullies her parents to purchase a variety of different objects for her; but when she interferes with the trained squirrels used by Willy Wonka to select the best nuts to bake into chocolate bars, she is judged as a “bad nut” by the squirrels, she is discarded into the adjacent ‘garbage chute’, and her parents follow. All three are later seen leaving the factory “covered in garbage”.


Veruca loved sugar and made her daddy buy her whatever she wanted so perhaps it will come as no surprise to anyone to discover who she became as an adult.

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Oh the outrage! John Key told a lame joke about a filthy pedo

The left wing are all enraged because John Key told a joke about the scumbag pedo who has fled the country to Chile and now on to Brazil.

Prime Minister John Key made a joke about fugitive Phillip John Smith, saying he would let Chile’s President know she may not want to “invite [him] round for lunch”.

Smith, who was jailed for life for murder and child abuse in 1996, flew to Chile using a passport obtained in his birth name – Phillip Traynor – while on temporary release from prison.

Chilean authorities have confirmed that Smith then took a flight to Brazil, but Mr Key was unaware of this when he made reference to the killer while at a press conference in Beijing yesterday.

He laughed as he told reporters he would alert Chilean President Michelle Bachelet about Smith when they meet at the Apec summit today.

“I’ll just let her know there’s someone who could be out there from New Zealand that you may not want to invite round for lunch.”

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Face of the day

I love satire especially when it is done well. I love a good joke and laughter really is the best medicine.

I have really enjoyed a number of posts on the Satirical blog The Civilian but recently the laughter stopped. I am not laughing any more. Not only am I not laughing I am angry. Ben has taken the step too far. He has gone beyond the joke. It is one thing to take the piss, it is another to take money that is meant for serious political parties.

It is true that he could not rort the system without the assistance of the? Electoral Commission and by funding Ben to the tune of $33,000 they have made a joke of our democratic system.

Satirical writer of The Civilian, Ben Uffindell

Satirical writer of The Civilian, Ben Uffindell.- 3 News

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Photo Of The Day

Photo: Google-Street-View

Photo: Google-Street-View

Google Street View captures fake ?axe murder?

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Photo Of The Day

Photo: Reuters

Photo: Reuters

Down and Dirty English

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So good to have a PM with a sense of humour

While we can all laugh at watching the tragedy that is Phil Goff, have a reall good laugh at this comedy sketch of John Key and Shaun Wayne.

I love the jokes about the BMWs and Helen Clark.

Watch the pinkos snarl and spit over this.


Oh dear its Pedobear in the wild in Wellington

@robyngallagher spotted this sticker on a van at the corner of Courtenay Place and Taranaki St in Wellington (just by an old toilet).

Pedobear in Wellington

[blackbirdpie id=”12265533239992320″]

Apparently it is a joke…not really a funny one though.

[blackbirdpie id=”12276565933031424″]


More Toll deal revelations

The further down the track (excuse the pun) that we go the more we are finding out about how inept Michael the Tank-Engine has been and how sharp Paul Little is.

Simon Louisson of NZPA has revealed that Toll Holdings boss Paul Little is also the Director of another comany that just happened to buy Toll shares two days before the deal.

It wasn’t chump change either, Namarong Investments Pty, bought 131,500 Toll shares at average prices of $A7.62. On April 29, he disclosed the purchase of 129,000 Toll shares a week earlier at an average price of $A7.67.

Before April, Namarong already had over 900,000 Toll shares. The shares rocketed to $A8.78 on May 6, rising A50c on the day after the announcement – creating a paper profit for Namarong of nearly $A300,000 ($NZ373,700) on the April share purchases. The shares were trading at $A8.30 today and no recent sales by Namarong have been recorded.

So there is a little (again no pun intended) riddle in all of that. Why would Toll Holdings boss get another company that he is a director and shareholder of to buy additional Toll Holdings shares that would net them so far $373,700 when a) If they were reluctant sellers and the consequence of selling something supposedly valuable would be a negative impact on the share price?, and b) On May 5 they were no longer reluctant sellers but rather ecstatic sellers and Paul Little was so ecstatic about the deal he may have got a company he was associated with to buy Toll Holdings on the premise that investors would think the deal rocked due to above the market deal he nailed Cullen with, the retirement of $200 million of debt, isn’t that insider trading but more importantly c) Who got the best deal?

Toll Holdings has raped the New Zealand Government taxpayer, bent Cullen over the table and given it to him up the chook and Cullen turned around and thanked him for the priviledge of the rogering and then paid him for it as well!!

There are many more questions to be asking over this little foray into train sets of Cullen’s.