Killer Cows

Killer cow fails in suicide mission

Killer cows

Killer cows, the subject of one of Whaleoil’s national security and personal safety awareness projects, have tried to strike another blow against New Zealand.

A group of tourists crashed into a cow in King Country early this morning.

None of the four men in the car were injured after the crash on State Highway 3 near Te Kuiti, but Northern Fire Communications shift manager Scott Osmond said the cow died as a result.

“There were no significant injuries,” he said. Read more »


Bull thinks wogball is un-Australian

This has to be about the only way you can make wogball entertaining.

Ever wondered what it would be like to be the ball in a football match?

Yes, you read that right.

It’s a question local sports fans were asking themselves when a bull broke out of its paddock and charged into a football match in Maryborough, Queensland.

The impromptu rodeo began when the young animal sauntered out of the tree-line and wandered onto the pitch.

The cow then lowered his head and charged into the fray, chasing a number of players off the field. ? Read more »


Killer cows: you know they’re real

While the Media Party continues to focus on sharks looking for tasty meals in the water, the reality is that Killer Cows are still stalking us.

A man was flown to hospital after being “bowled over by a cow” in Northland this afternoon, emergency services say.

Paramedics were called to a property in Maungaturoto at 5.17pm where a man in his 40s was injured by the animal, a St John Ambulance spokeswoman said.

“He was bowled over by a cow.” ? Read more »


Killer cows. Just sayin’


Those benign things called cows are in?the?news again.

An elderly man is seriously injured after being gored by a bull in South Taranaki on Friday.

It is understood the 75-year-old was working on his farm at Manawapou Rd,?Hawera, when he was attacked by his?Friesian cross bull with horns about 1pm.? Read more »

Killer Cows: two failed missions

Killer cows

To the untrained eye, these are mere accidents, but to someone like me, who keeps an eye on the deadly cow uprising, two stories in two days is a clear sign that the Bovine Jihad is starting its upswing.

Hawke’s Bay farmer Gary Quinn takes little pleasure knowing the cattle beast that broke both his legs will soon be a steak on a plate somewhere in America.

In 48 years of dealing with cattle he has suffered his share of knocks and bruises, but never a broken bone.

Speaking from his bed in Hawke’s Bay Hospital yesterday, the 63-year-old said the 600kg cow that kicked him on Friday was a 2-year-old Charolais-Angus cross who had not meant him any harm, but had been “spooked” by another cow.

About 9.30am on Friday, Quinn and wife Raewynne were in cattleyards beside the Tukituki River near Haumoana, drafting their “usually quiet” herd.

“We’d let them go into a pen and this one decided she was going to go with them. I was just turning her back when a little black one shot through on the inside of her and pushed her into me.

“As she got pushed she no doubt got a fright and she just kicked out with both back legs,” he said. Read more »


Nazi killer cows destroyed

People thought I was jesting when I talked about Killer Cows.

Discovery every year runs shark week but sharks kill very few people each year cows kill far more but there is no Discovery programme about Killer Cows….or Cow Week.

Now in the UK a bunch of Nazi created Killer Cows have been destroyed because they were trying to kill the farmer and his workers.

The revolution is well underway and this terror cell has been nipped in the bud.

Hitler?s drive to produce the perfect Aryan race was not confined to people ? it also extended to a specially bred herd of Nazi-engineered cows, which have turned out to be so aggressive that a UK farmer has been forced to turn half of them into sausages.

Derek Gow imported more than a dozen Heck super cows to his West Devon farm in 2009, nearly a century after they were first created in the 1920s.

But, Farmer Gow, who is the only British farmer to own the breed, has been forced to kill seven of his herd because the cows were so aggressive they repeatedly tried to kill his staff.

?We have had to cut our herd down to six because some of them were incredibly aggressive and we just couldn?t handle them,? said Farmer Gow, who said the meat made ?very tasty? sausages that tasted a bit like venison.

?The ones we had to get rid of would just attack you any chance they could. They would try to kill anyone. Dealing with that was not fun at all. They are by far and away the most aggressive animals I have ever worked with,? he said.? Read more »


The killer cow-led revolt against humans cost $20M in 2013-2014

Killer cows

They are out to get us, and ACC has the proof hat the cows are after us, but they are playing it down by mentioning all the other species first!

More than 50,000 people made ACC claims for animal-related injuries in 2013/2014, including everything from shark attacks, seal bites and even a laceration under an eye caused by a passing magpie.

About $20 million was claimed and dog and horse-related injuries proved most costly, according to ACC figures released to NZ Newswire.

The dog attacks included a canine running into a person’s leg, causing it to be twisted, and another hitting a person in the face. Read more »


There will be a death for sure when the killer cows find out they have to wear nappies


Forget Killer Cows, you are going to see Homicidal, mad as all hell psychopathic cows when they get wind of plans for them to wear nappies in Bavaria.

The other farm animals will likely die from laughter.

Bavarian farmers are angry that their famous Alpine dairy cows will apparently have to wear nappies under European Union environmental laws.

Johann Huber, whose family has farmed on the mountain slopes of Gmund am Tegernsee for over 400 years, has begun putting home made nappies on his 18 diary cows to avoid falling foul of an EU fertiliser ban.

Mr Huber said that his cow Doris had behaved well when he fitted her with a home made bovine nappy to prevent her dropping cow pats on the Alpine slopes.

“We have no standard nappies, they have not been developed commercially yet,” he said.

Read more »

Killer Cow training cell located

Our spies constantly comb the Internet for signs of adverse Cow intelligence. ?And we found some yesterday:

Electric fences doesn't stop them

Electric fences doesn’t stop them


Mongrel mongrel cow.

There’s always That One cow.. This is The One… ? Read more »


OIA request from ACC validates our Killer Cow crusade



Charlie Mitchell at Fairfax has joined our expose on killer cows

Magpies, alpacas, pigs and goats were together cited in nearly 500 claims, at a cost of about $200,000.

One claimant was head-butted pursuing a pig. Another tried to lift a very heavy pig, resulting in back pain.

An alpaca getting a pedicure on its nails lashed out and kicked a claimant’s hand; a nasty magpie caused a cut under an eye.

The numbers reflect each instance where the animal’s name was recorded in the claim accident description. Read more »