Low-cost airlines

Who wants to sit by an obese man ‘the size of an infant hippopotamus’?

"What weighs more than a Suzuki Swift, less than a Hummer and smells like the decaying anus of a deceased homeless man? No idea? How about, what measures food portions in kilograms and has the personal hygiene of a French prostitute? Still nothing? Right, one more try. What's fat as f***, stinks like shit and should be forced to purchase two seats on a Jetstar flight?"

“What weighs more than a Suzuki Swift, less than a Hummer and smells like the decaying anus of a deceased homeless man? No idea? How about, what measures food portions in kilograms and has the personal hygiene of a French prostitute? Still nothing? Right, one more try. What’s fat as f***, stinks like shit and should be forced to purchase two seats on a Jetstar flight?”

Every time I travel I sit on planes praying that the fatties coming down the aisle just keep on moving…I shudder to think about how some of them even manage to sit down, let alone use a tray table.

If they have to use a seat belt extension I think they are probably too large to travel. Have a thought about this poor bastard then.

As rage letters go, they don’t come much more furious than the epistle sent to an Australian airline by a passenger seated next to a man as big as ‘an infant hippopotamus’ and who smelled like ‘blue cheese’ and a ‘Mumbai slum’.

Traveller Rich Wisken wrote on a blog that he paid an extra $A25 (?13.50) for an exit row seat, expecting to travel from Perth to Sydney with more room than a normal economy seat.

But he found himself seated beside an obese man, leaving him to feel that he was pinned to his seat ‘by a fleshy boulder.’

When he tried to change seats, he found those that were empty were taken by passengers who had stretched themselves out to lie in comfort.

Mr Wisken returned to his exit row seat and ‘it was then I realised that my fate was sealed.

‘I made my way back to Jabba the Hutt (the blob creature in Star Wars) and spent the remainder of the flight smothered in side-boob and cellulite, taking shallow breaths to avoid noxious gas poisoning.’

It might be gathered by now that Mr Wisken was not at all happy with the four-and-a-half-hour flight and has penned a furious letter to the airline, Jetstar, a subsidiary of Qantas.

Of course it was Jetstar.

What made his ordeal worse was to find that two days later a flight to Melbourne he’d book with the airline was cancelled, as was a rescheduled flight.

On his third attempt, the flight was delayed for two hours.

On receiving his angry, but humorous, letter of complaint, Jetstar emailed him with an offer of a $A100 (?54) voucher in compensation, Sydney’s Daily Telegraph reports today.

‘Awesome work, Jetstar!’ he wrote.

‘Two of my flights in the past two days have been cancelled. You’re so lucky that my favourite pastime is wasting both time and money getting to and from airports.

‘Imagine how annoyed someone who doesn’t LOVE wasting time and money would feel about this situation. Man, I’d hate to be that guy…’

This is the start of his email to Jetstar.

Dear Jetstar…

Do you like riddles? I do, that’s why I’m starting this letter with one. What weighs more than a Suzuki Swift, less than a Hummer and smells like the decaying anus of a deceased homeless man? No idea? How about, what measures food portions in kilograms and has the personal hygiene of a French prostitute? Still nothing? Right, one more try. What’s fat as f***, stinks like shit and should be forced to purchase two seats on a Jetstar flight? That’s right, it’s the man I sat next to under on my flight from Perth to Sydney yesterday.

People are Stupid, Ctd

How many times do people have to get the bad news before they learn?

A cancelled Jetstar flight that could have destroyed the Christmas plans of 80 people travelling from Melbourne to Auckland has been rescheduled for the same day after the airline had a change of mind.

Jetstar cancelled one flight from Melbourne to Auckland on December 23, forcing passengers to rebook on another service, which meant they could have missed out on arriving in New Zealand in time for Christmas.

Passengers were informed of the move over the weekend, but now the airline is scrambling to contact them to let them know that another flight will replace their original flight, which remains cancelled.

Jetstar have an?exemplary?record of fucking their customers over, and over, and over again. ?Still, sufficient people are dense enough to book with them.


Mates – Air Asia X

Air Asia X lands in Christchurch and makes some new friends.

Cut-price airline Air Asia X has landed in Christchurch and pledged a six-figure sum to help restore the earthquake-ravaged city’s heritage.

The first flight from Kuala Lumpur landed at Christchurch International Airport just before midnight to applause and cheers from the approximately 300 passengers who were greeted with a Maori powhiri as they disembarked.

At a ceremony at Westfield Riccarton late this morning, the airline announced a percentage of all tickets bought by travellers coming and out of New Zealand will go into a heritage restoration fund to help repair and rebuild many of the city’s iconic heritage buildings hit in February’s earthquake.

Air Asia X chief executive Azran Osman-Rani said the airline had set itself a target of $220,000 and hoped to reach that figure within a year.

”We appreciate all the support we are getting from our guests and hope this financial gesture will assist in some way to restore Christchurch’s heritage icons,” he said.

Christchurch Mayor Bob Parker said the money was another amazing gesture from the company which had shown its commitment to the city even after the devastating earthquake.

Some other airlines were reviewing their services into the and out of the city but Parker said Air Asia X had never once reconsidered its agreement with Christchurch.

Still nothing from Qantas. They must be busy – Pity their CEO doesn’t extend his call to include Christchurch, instead they have abandoned the city.?Definitely?NOT Mates still.

Take that Qantas

Remember Qantas and Jetstar and their appalling behaviour in?the?wake of the earthquake in Christchurch. I labelled them NOT Mates.

The incompetent fools that run Jetstar are now?cutting back on flights to Christchurch, claiming the earthquake has cost them A$15 million!

Quite how they have managed this, when the armies of insurance assessors, humanitarian workers, displaced people and government officials are struggling to get on to the Air NZ flights is hard to comprehend. The Whale warned them of their major blunders in regard to Christchurch.

Clearly the earlier plea of The Whale was not heeded and they have managed to destroy their brand. A loss this big means executive job losses, heads are going to roll.

I have previously given strategic advice on this issue for free and I am willing to take on the task, with access to his team of elite marketing experts. They use techniques that have not been available to the current team. These amazing, cutting edge marketing strategies of “a bit of commonsense” and “being good to your community, wins over the customers and builds the brand” are highly complicated obviously so the fee will be high.

A great business case study for an aspiring MBA here.

Still Not Mates – Jetstar #eqnz

Jetstar and their owner Qantas just do not want to be Mates.

Jetstar has apologised after telling a Christchurch family they would need to provide photographic proof signed off by authorities that their home was damaged in the earthquake before the airline would refund return flights to Australia.

Gillian Smith was to fly to Melbourne tomorrow to visit her daughter Sarah.

It was supposed to be a break from the aftershocks after the September 4 quake and a shopping trip with her daughter, who is 4 months pregnant with her first child.

But after last week’s quake, Mrs Smith wants instead to stay put to look after her Avonside home. She’ll head to Australia later.

Because Mrs Smith has been without a phone, electricity and other amenities since the quake, daughter Sarah took on the task of talking to Jetstar.

She said she battled with three separate staff members trying to get the flights refunded, to no avail.

Sarah Smith has accused Jetstar of being “inhumane” for refusing a refund.

make no mistake dear readers WQantas and Jetstar are NOT Mates, and with their current behaviour they are not ever likely to be either.


Mates and Not Mates

When the earthquake struck Christchurch it devastated the central city, has killed hundreds and left many people without homes, relatives and busineses. It is a time for mates and a time for stepping up.

Air New Zealand stepped up. They immediately put on 747s and charged bare minimum prices to get people home or out of the region. They are a good corporate citizen. They are our Mates.

Our nearest neighbours Australia reacted immediately sending rescue folk, troops and Police from across the country.

From my sources on the ground I hear that the Australian cops have been extremely professional and effective in Christchurch. Great people doing an excellent job. Australia has fronted up above and beyond. We tried to help Queensland where we could and when you do send help you hope that one day, should it be needed that the help is reciprocated. Australia has delivered, they are so generous and supportive. You can’t speak higher of them. 300 plus cops AND the USAR teams, who are world class. The Australian military support has been brilliant too. I understand we have also?received?donations from all Aussies states. Give Gillard her due, she has fronted. They are our Mates.

They are heroes and mates that we salute.

However we now turn to Not Our Mates.

Qantas and Jetstar reacted far differently.

Jetstar has decided that people travelling to and from Christchurch with a bag (and it has to be an evac) is $99. Anyone else is normal fares. I think it is fair to say that we can call that profiteering.

Jetstar’s owner Qantas also seems to have?forgotten?how many customers come from NZ. They made a $1000 a ticket getting the outstanding Australian cops into Christchurch. The spirit of ANZAC and mateship does not apply to Qantas. In the darkest day, you remember. Qantas made their views known and we accept their decision.

Qantas has failed to recognise that have a choice of airlines to cross the Tasman. ?”Anyone But Qantas” is the new call.

We remember our mates and Qantas are not our mates. That’s fine, you made the call Qantas, now take the lumps.

Apart from not being our mates, they are idiots and the shareholders should be annoyed.

Option A : Stick a pack of cops on a plane for three hours.

Glory of press statement and stories across your home markets saying:

“Qantas makes plane available at short notice to help Christchurch”

“Qantas has been flying to Christchurch for X years. It is an important part of our network. Qantas was proud to help 120 top Aussie cops to keep the people of Christchurch safe. Kiwis cops have been working tirelessly for the community. In the spirit of Australia, we were proud to help give them a break. We put on a free flight for the police. We also took x pallets of bottled water to help out Christchurch in its darkest days. Qantas is there for Christchurch”

Result : Glowing Trans-Tasman media stories, endorsment and brand enhancement by a major factor. Whaleoil endorsement. Major political figures in NSW and NZ say “good guys”. Customer base takes pride in their airline.

Value : Millions. Kiwis talk for years about Qantas being “our mates”. NSW Government pleased. Australians proud of their airline.
Cost : A$120,000

Option B : Be a pack of tight bastards.

Value : A$120,000
Cost & Result : Crap media across Australia and New Zealand. Immeasurable brand damage. Make an enemy of Whaleoil. Negative Media. NSW Govt has to ask Federal Govt for cash, embarrassing both Govts.

Message to Shareholders of Qantas : Seriously? You let these clowns look after your money? REALLY????

Remember folks, remember well who our mates are in times of need and then when you make a choice for where you will spend your dollars, spend it with our mates. As we hear more of donations and assistance I will create a Mates and Not Mates list. Qantas is now Not our Mate.

The Jetstar experience – Don't do it

Don't Fly JetstarI had to go to Wellington for the weekend. I was looking at fares and Air New Zealand was?definitely?cashing in on the long weekend and Jetstar was reasonably cheap. Normally i’d drive, for a couple of reasons, one being I like the solitude and thinking time of driving, and secondly it really isn’t any dearer except in time.

I didn’t want to drive during this weekend though because it was a long weekend and dealing with fools in every town at both ends of the weekend didn’t really appeal. So flying it was. I couldn’t really afford Air New Zealand so decided, rahter poorly it turns out to fly Jetstar.

Surely all the bad reports could all be true? Surely they can’t be all that bad?

Well turns out they are, and worse.

Things started off ok, I got a lift from a mate to the airport. He drives a 545i so at least that was comfortable. We decided to use the “fantastic” new motorway that was supposed to speed up trips to the airport and that is where the weekend of evil began.

All was fine, following the brand new signs showing the way to the airport…..slight problem the exits, both of them to get off the motorway so you can go down Puhinui Road to the airport are closed, and blocked off with big concrete barriers. The alternative is to carry on and drive approximately 5kms around South Auckland to get to the airport, with all the ensuing traffic, lights, and South Auckland drivers. What was a trip that had plenty of time was now cutting it fine to make the cut-off, and now we ran into road works and every fricking red light known to man.

Don't Fly JetstarI turned up 20 minutes before the flight was due to leave. No dice. The plane hadn’t even completed boarding, I know this because I could see the poor passengers still shuffling through security. There was no one at the counter but me and still they wouldn’t give me a boarding pass. Flight closed was the answer. Flight closed was the answer no matter how polite or rude I became. I started polite but got ruder when the fees started coming.

But wait….for just $90 I can go on the wait list for the flight at 1830….in 4 hours time! $90 dollars to maybe get a flight…but what choice do I have…so I pay and wait, and wait and wait…I watch the flight that I could soi easily have been on leave and then wait for 4 hours doing nothing but twiddling my thumbs.

I finally get on the flight and get to Wellington. Surely my flight experience with Jetstar can’t get any worse.

Oh but it can.

I was due to fly home yesterday at 1530. At lunch time I get a txt from jetstar…how nice…the flight is delayed…no reason, just delayed…until 1830! Three hours after it was supposed to leave.

This meant two things. I now had to waste another 3 hours because of Jetstar and I had to spend those additional hours in The Penguins office!! With the Penguin!!

So…I get to the airport thinking this can’t get any worse, except of course this is Jetstar, so yes it can. Their check in kiosks aren’t working, and so I go to the counter.

I ask the chappie there if he can refund me $90. He asks me why?

So I explain, well, when I was slightly late for my flight in Auckland to get to this stinking hole of a city you c*nts charged me $90 to catch a later flight. Today I was ready to fly at the?allotted?time but it was Jetstar that was late and given they charged me for being late I thought it only fair that I now charge them for being late and since $90 was my charge I thought I’d?reciprocate?even though my charge out rate is substantially higher than that. He was not amused and neither was his supervisor. They begrudgingly issued me with a boarding pass and told me to basically piss off.


I thought about this post all day, and I know, I should never had taken Jetstar but I’ve always been one to try something before knocking it. So I tried Jetstar, and yep the reports are true, they suck. They suck really badly. I’m of a mind to send them an invoice for 7 hours of wasted time.

I will never take Jetstar, EVER. AGAIN. EVER.

The only company with worse customer service and non-delivery of service would be Fidelity Life.

Jetstar Invoice for wasting my time