Peter FitzSimons

Sledge of the Day

David Leyonhjelm usually sledges pesky reporters and tells them to fuck off

David Leyonhjelm usually sledges pesky reporters and tells them to fuck off

Peter FitzSimons is normally a top bloke who calls a spade a bloody shovel. He is also one who like a good sledge himself.

But he has gotten all pissy over an email he received from Aussie?Senator David?Leyonhjelm whose office responded to enquiries with a brilliant sledge.

The nastiest, most sexist politician in Australia right now?

It is a tough one, but I am going to go with Senator David?Leyonhjelm.

An elderly female reader, Elizabeth Donelan,?took exception to the following comments from the Senator, defending Donald Trump’s admission of sexual assault, where he said of the Republican presidential candidate:?”He is a man of his times, perhaps. So perhaps you could cut him a little bit of slack.” ? Read more »

Peter FitzSimons on Fatties

Peter FitzSimons has a great column in the SMH about how he managed to lose weight and improve his health…all without taxes.

Oi! You. Fatty Boomka.

Yes, you. Don’t look around, at others. I am talking to you, bloke.

And don’t be offended at being called “Fatty Boomka”, see, because I used to be you. You and I were the Boomka twins, and I could more than hold my own against you on the other end of the see-saw.

Until, finally, after a good 30 years of being on the endless yo-yo weight plan ? very fat … pretty fat … not-so-fat-but-still-a-whole-lot-to-love … pretty-fat … very bloody fat ? I’ve worked the whole thing out. I’m establishing the “yo diet”. I’ve worked out how to go down and stay down.

So do you want to hear the answer, or not? Bloke to bloke, no bullshit, no touchy-feely crap, no “miracle diets” nonsense, no Jenny Craig, no self-mutilation by taking out half your tummy, or putting in staples.

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FitzSimons says Kevin Pietersen is the exception to the No Dickhead Rule

A no Dickhead Rule is imperative in politics and sport.

It appears the England cricket team has a No Dickheads rule and are excluding Kevin Pietersen but Peter FitzSimons disagrees and says he should be exempt.

Something fascinating is going on in English cricket at the moment.

(And there, I say to myself, is a phrase not oft used ‘neath the Southern Cross for many and many a’moon, … but I digress.)

See, former English cricket captain Andrew Strauss had no sooner been installed in the position of Director of English Cricket, than he was asked ? some 10 seconds into his first press conference, what his attitude towards outcast, troubled genius England batsman Kevin Pietersen was.

Look, I am paraphrasing the sentiment here, rather than quoting the words, but Strauss essentially said he’d sooner put hot knitting needles in his ears than ever allow Pietersen back into the same postcode as the England cricket side, let alone the team itself. No, he didn’t specifically cite the No Dickhead rule, but that is what it boiled down to.

There is a “massive trust issue” between Pietersen and the England Cricket Board, Strauss said, and therefore a return for Pietersen is “not in the best short-term interests of the side.”

Alas for Strauss was that as he was speaking, Pietersen was finishing up a triple-century for his Surrey county side of such breath-taking genius that even opposing fans got blisters from clapping.

See, English stocks have fallen so low they couldn’t beat the lowly-rated West Indies in a Test series. But allow Pietersen back in?

Not on your nelly.

I humbly submit, even as a great admirer, and booster, of the “No Dickhead Rule”, that Strauss is badly mistaken in this.

For yes, its inventor, Swans coach Paul Roos, demonstrated the efficacy of the rule during his successful reign in Sydney.

But it was never a cast-iron rule, and there was always a let-out clause to it, which it is apposite to cite now.

Are you reading, Andrew Strauss?

On page 2 of the No Dickhead Handbook, second paragraph, third line, it reads:

“When the said dickhead is so extravagantly talented, it would be sheer madness not to have them in the team, you may not only ignore the ‘No Dickheads Rule’, but ? and never more than when your own stocks are lower than a snake’s belly-button ? you may even crawl across cut glass to have them.”

Roos invoked that clause a couple of times recruiting the likes of Spida Everitt to the side, and was well rewarded for his trouble.

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A tax on stupidity, Ctd

No I’m not talking about voting Green, I am talking about internet gambling.

Peter FitzSimons explains how online betting agencies filter out winners:

For some extraordinary reason, internet bookies are allowed to refuse and restrict bets from punters who are too damn smart, relying on their fine print terms and conditions. Interestingly, I am told the two bookmakers who are most ubiquitous in their advertising, Tom Waterhouse and bet365, are among the “bookmakers that continuously come up in forums for closing down punters”. But it’s not just them! The practice is so widespread, apparently, that one crowd, Pinnacle Sports, even advertises “winners are welcome”, as their point of difference, while NSW TAB and Betfair, which is a betting exchange – whatever that is – is also said to give punters more of a fair go. However, for most of the rest, those who regularly win, across as few as five to 10 bets are apparently known as “toughies” and players who have won a set amount, (usually as little as $1000), are often either refused bets or limited to small wagers of $5 to $10.

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Peter FitzSimons on Nutter Islamists

Sydney protester holds a placard. Picture: Simon Bullard Source: Herald Sun

Peter FitzSimons puts things in perspective on the nutter Islamists who think it is ok to cause violence and mayhem over a stupid Youtube video. Muslims really are humourless fucks, perhaps even as bad as socialists.

HAVE we Sydney-siders got this straight?

Because on the other side of the Pacific, somewhere in California, some loser has thrown together some kind of amateur internet video insulting your particular god, you think it justifiable to:

  • Take over the Sydney CBD.
  • Cause willful damage to property.
  • Throw rocks at police officers who are doing nothing more than their duty.
  • Hold up such ludicrous signs as ?Behead all those who insult the prophet.?

We have to ask: Do you have the first clue as to the ramifications of your actions? Do you not understand that the net result of such irresponsible, appalling action is to give ample fuel to every racist in the country to reinforce every bad stereotype they have ever had of you, and that will affect badly the hundreds of thousands of other peaceful and law-abiding Islamic Australians?


Get this straight, and quickly: some of you may be from countries where this kind of thing is acceptable. But it is NOT acceptable in this country.

In this country you are free to worship whatever god you damn well please. Others are free to worship their gods.

And I am free to say it is all nonsense over imaginary friends.

But you are not free to create the mayhem you did yesterday, simply because you don’t like a freaking video!

Racists have said for years, ?If you don’t like the way we do things here, go back to where you came from.? The net result of your actions yesterday is that ? for those people specifically disgracing themselves in the CBD yesterday, not the vast bulk of Islamic Australians ? much of the country now feels the same.

Nice work.

Hey Catholics…Boy Buggering is bad

? Sydney Morning Herald

Peter FitzSimons lets the Catholic Church know precisely what he thinks?about?latest boy buggering priest hush scandal erupting in Australia.

An Argentinian priest frolics with his heterosexual lover in the surf and instant de-frocking…boy buggering in Australia….years of silence, cover-ups and bullshit. When will the Catholic Church realise that boy buggering is bad?

Suppose, just suppose, that it had emerged this week that back in 1992 a major Australian institution such as, say, Qantas, BHP, the ACTU or, indeed, Fairfax, had an employee make an admission that he had committed paedophile acts on 10-year-old boys; and that instead of calling the police, the institution had kept him in their employ for another 13 years, even as two of those boys went on to take their own lives.

And say within the same institution, credible allegations emerged that another employee regularly raped 10-year-old boys, but instead of the police being called, that employee had been promoted to head office! Just how great do you think the outcry would be? Of course it would engulf the public discourse, would dominate talkback, letters to the editor and Parliament for days, if not weeks. As it happens, that scenario did occur this week, all revealed by reporter Geoff Thompson on?Four Corners?on Monday night. But the institution in question was the Catholic Church of Australia, the employees in question were priests and reaction since has been somewhat muted. Why?

Two reasons. First, news that a Catholic priest has committed such abominable acts is not actually a ”hold the front page” story any more, so regularly do we hear of it.

And, second, because these acts occurred within a religious institution, people are reluctant to criticise, for that would be criticising religion, and?we don’t do that.

I say the hell with it. I say we should call it for what it is: appalling systemic child abuse that has gone on for generations and will go on for generations more, until we as a people get to grips with it. Far from being held to account, one of the alleged perpetrators is now being sheltered in the Vatican!

No dickheads rule

? Sydney Morning Herald

Peter FitzSimons identifies another team that has a “no dickheads” rule:

Storm player Ryan Hoffman on what makes them tick:?”There’s a distinct ‘no dickheads’ policy when it comes to recruiting, although a chequered past is not an insurmountable hurdle for the growing numbers of players seeking to get to Storm, to find out if their fabled system, a saviour for so many, works.”

And another that doesn’t:

Western Bulldogs ruckman Will Minson to Port Adelaide midfielder Danyle Pearce:?”I f—ed your mother for half an hour last night.”?If all clubs had the ”no dickheads” policy, he would starve.

Sitting in the Front

? Sydney Morning Herald

Peter FitzSimons has noted something about Australian politicians. Unfortunately Peter’s claim that it is wonderfully unique to Australia, he is wrong, I have?noticed?the?same thing here. Even Phil Goff sat in?the?front seat, I know because I tool a photo of him doing just that at Sky City during the election campaign.

TFF has always noted, and enjoyed, the difference between the way male Australian politicians position themselves in chauffeur-driven cars, compared with the politicians of other countries. See, our blokes always sit in the front. Somewhere in our DNA is written that only toffs sit in the back, the way Lord and Lady Muck once did. Not for them. By sitting in the front they are making a statement – even if it is an unconscious one – that they get it. They are egalitarian. They don’t fancy themselves as better in any way than the person who drives them. In more than a decade of his prime ministership, no one ever saw John Howard get out of the back seat, unless he was travelling with his wife. Kim Beazley, I might say, was such a stickler for it, that even when travelling with his wife, Susie Annus, in a Commonwealth car, he sat in the front (and now in ambassadorial cars in Washington). It would amaze me, by contrast, if any American president has?ever?sat in the front of the presidential limo and I suspect the same goes for British prime ministers, German chancellors and all the rest. It is a uniquely, and wonderful, Australian thing. All of which is why it was so surprising to see the newly installed premier of Queensland, Campbell Newman, turning up for the premiers’ dinner at the Lodge on Thursday night, sitting on his own in the?back?of the limo. The working class can kiss my arse, I’ve got the foreman’s job at last? Surely not. But it was curious.