Satire

Single-use condoms added to banned list

Satire


Shoppers won’t find single-use condoms in Countdone stores from October 1 – they’ll be off the shelves.

Countdone is removing them from all stores and replacing them with a range of alternatives including celibacy and abstinence.

Sustainable Coastlines co-founder and lead Hamden Howsitt said single-use condoms were commonly found on New Zealand beaches. Read more »

In solidarity with the those in the world’s most despised demographic, WH has decided to ‘come out’ as an old white male. WH enjoys exercising the white-male privilege that Whaleoil provides for him by writing the occasional post challenging climate change consensus; looking at random tech issues that tweak his interest, as a bit of a tech nerd; or generally poking the borax at anyone in public life who goes on record revealing their stupidity. WH never excelled on the sports field because his coaches never allowed him to play in his preferred position on the right-wing. WH also enjoys his MG.

To read my previous articles click on my name in blue.

Tagged:

Face of the day

Sir Bill English

*Satire

Knighted for services to the Labour party.

Losing 2002 so badly National only had 27 MPs and it bedded in Labour for another couple of terms.
Losing the coalition negotiations by being a complete dickhead in 2017.

As much at home writing editorials as being the subject of them, Cam has won awards, including the Canon Media Award for his work on the Len Brown/Bevan Chuang story. When he’s not creating the news, he tends to be in it, with protagonists using the courts, media and social media to deliver financial as well as death threats.

They say that news is something that someone, somewhere, wants kept quiet. Cam Slater doesn’t do quiet and, as a result, he is a polarising, controversial but highly effective journalist who takes no prisoners.

He is fearless in his pursuit of a story.

Love him or loathe him, you can’t ignore him.

To read Cam’s previous articles click on his name in blue.

Tagged:

Andrew Little on the PM’s failure to discipline

Just 15 short months ago Andrew Little posted this on the Labour Party website. Quote. Read more »

In solidarity with the those in the world’s most despised demographic, WH has decided to ‘come out’ as an old white male. WH enjoys exercising the white-male privilege that Whaleoil provides for him by writing the occasional post challenging climate change consensus; looking at random tech issues that tweak his interest, as a bit of a tech nerd; or generally poking the borax at anyone in public life who goes on record revealing their stupidity. WH never excelled on the sports field because his coaches never allowed him to play in his preferred position on the right-wing. WH also enjoys his MG.

To read my previous articles click on my name in blue.

The secret diary of Jan Thomas

Satire


Monday

Dear Diary

my neighbour Manawa told me today how upset she was when her boyfriend told her that he doesn’t like pork and puha. I have learned from my extensive study of Maori culture that pork and puha is a traditional Maori dish and it worries me deeply that her pakeha boyfriend would treat Maori culture with such disdain. I have never eaten it myself but I am sure that it is delicious.

Tuesday

Dear Diary

Edward the pommy postman and I were chatting today and he was upset at the outcome of the Maori ward vote and said that my university should not have allowed people to argue against them as it diminished the value of Te Tiriti o Waitangi. I agreed with him and said that my university was not a place for anti-Maori sentiments as they might influence the hearts and minds of my students and it is my job to protect them. I promised him that we would do better in the future.

I have an intimate family dinner planned for Sunday and my son has told me that he is bringing a young woman to it to meet his parents. I am so excited as I think this could well be my future daughter-in-law!

Read more »

If you agree with me that’s nice, but what I really want to achieve is to make you question the status quo, look between the lines and do your own research. Do not be a passive observer in this game we call life.

You can follow me on Gab.ai 

To read my previous articles click on my name in blue.

Tagged:

Ardern’s speech ‘leaked’ to Whaleoil

Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern winking gif

Satire.


 

Dear proletariat.

We are proud of what I have accomplished in our first year after the previous nine years of neglect by the previous government.

In the last year, I have successfully managed to kowtow to Greenpeace and have destroyed the provinces occupied by greenhouse gas producing, water consuming cows. Oh, and I also dealt to those cows with mandatory cullings.

Speaking of cullings, my dearest flatmate Claire accepted the resignation letter that happened to slide in front of her following a conversation in my office. That was a hard thing to bear, but I remain hopeful that Meka will whakaingoatia shortly (which is Te Reo by the way).

You see, we are a coalition that stands for cuts.

Cut out pay rises, cut cows, cut charter schools, cut free speech, cut single-use plastic bags, cut off any option of repatriating the terminally ill Bali holidaymaker, cut guest appearances on scheduled TV slots, cut cabinet ministers, cut business confidence, cut important ties with 5 Eye partners. We did this!

Read more »

A guest post submitted to Whaleoil and edited by Whaleoil staff.

Guest Post content does not necessarily reflect the views of the site or its editor. Guest Post content is offered for discussion and for alternative points of view.

Tagged:

Transcribed exactly as spoken: For immediate release

Satire


Statement of the Prime Minister; the Honourable Jacinda Kate Laurell and Hardy Ardern on falsehoods.

Transcribed, exactly as spoken, by her loyal staff. For immediate release:


Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern winking gif


Uhm. look, I dunno.

People are being mean.

I did not, uhm, ah, lie to the public yesderday.

It was not the public, it was a man, it was just one bloke, uhm, and it was not a lie; he possidively said, my staff transcibed it, ‘are you gunna fire her’ and my answer was of course ‘no’. I saw the transcript, that’s what it, that’s what I said.

That’s what it said I said. That’s what they told me to say, and, keep in mind that I am a bacholeress of poliddical communications, so I am very precise.

Read more »

Living in Wellington idbkiwi is self-employed in a non-governmental role which suits his masochistic tendencies. He watches very little television, preferring to read or research, but still subscribes to the daily paper despite his distillation of dismay and disappointment at the very low standards of the modern press on every opening of the awful rag.

He is married, to an obviously very unfortunate woman, and has a family who allegedly loves him despite his right-wing nut-job views on life and the meaning of. He believes laughter is the best medicine for whatever ails you, closely, very closely, followed by wine. He hopes to reach retirement, both alive and eventually.

To read my previous articles click on my name in blue.

Tagged:

The 2020 General Election

NB: no current or former politicians were harmed during the writing of this satirical article.

As General Election nights went the mandate of 2020 had been accompanied by the usual levels of insanity and odd occurrences; perpetrated by people who would otherwise have been going about their day to day activities in a much more sedate and mundane manner.

A buck naked Real Estate agent, with no reported political affiliations, had jumped from the middle of the Auckland Harbour bridge, suffering two broken legs in the process, all the while yelling “I’m your leader! Follow me!”

Further south, an elderly woman from Fairlie had held up a Pie Cart and made off with its entire takings of 37 dollars and 75 cents. The police had apprehended her a short while later at the local Sports bar when she had caused a scene after losing all of her ill-gotten gains in the town’s only Pokie machine.

None of these events, however, were noticed or spoken of in the Mount Albert Electorate where the current prime minister and her staunch band of Labour party stalwarts were eagerly waiting for the results to come in.

Read more »

ORANGE

  • A large round juicy citrus fruit with a tough bright reddish-yellow rind.

AMBER

  • Hard translucent fossilized resin originating from extinct coniferous trees of the Tertiary period, typically yellowish in colour. It has been used in jewellery since antiquity.

ORINJAMBA

  • Fifth generation Kiwi, social-political writer who left the Left sometime back and turned right. Heavily reliant on spell check with hopefully the intelligence to admit when he’s wrong and the humility to see the truth, irrespective of where it’s found.

To read my previous articles click on my name in blue.

Tagged:

Satirical image of the day

Satirical image credit: SB

Pakistan’s new PM is going to the United Nations to try to stop all Muhammad cartoons and in particular Geert Wilders’ upcoming cartoon contest.

If you agree with me that’s nice, but what I really want to achieve is to make you question the status quo, look between the lines and do your own research. Do not be a passive observer in this game we call life.

You can follow me on Gab.ai 

To read my previous articles click on my name in blue.

Tagged:

Addressing the impacts of culture change

Culture change is perhaps the most important issue of our age, a peril that threatens the entire planet and one that will likely define the next 100 years or so in the same way the world wars, nuclear crisis and international terrorism did the last.

The present occupant of the White House aside, there are few who choose to wilfully ignore the danger signs or blinker themselves from the abundance of evidence around them.

The effects of our rapidly changing culture are everywhere – from the music of the popular singers and themes of movies to pages of magazines and content of the internet.

Rising ignorance levels are regarded as a certainty, with government estimates that they will soar by 2060 and communities are at grave risk.

The grim reality is that culture change may already have had an irreversible impact on New Zealand’s systems, and the effects are likely to worsen.

But while it may seem we are inexorably sliding towards intellectual Armageddon, plenty is happening behind the scenes to halt and hopefully reverse those trends.

But how do you tackle such complex issues on both a global scale and one that resonates with the individual?

Read more »

In solidarity with the those in the world’s most despised demographic, WH has decided to ‘come out’ as an old white male. WH enjoys exercising the white-male privilege that Whaleoil provides for him by writing the occasional post challenging climate change consensus; looking at random tech issues that tweak his interest, as a bit of a tech nerd; or generally poking the borax at anyone in public life who goes on record revealing their stupidity. WH never excelled on the sports field because his coaches never allowed him to play in his preferred position on the right-wing. WH also enjoys his MG.

To read my previous articles click on my name in blue.

Jacinda cancels summer

Satire

In another defining moment for our generation, New Zealand’s Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has cancelled summer.

The announcement was made to a class of 8-year old pupils, a move which has come to typify New Zealand’s ‘youth adjacent’ PM.  Calling it another generational moment where New Zealand can show real leadership to the world, Ms Ardern explained the reasons behind her latest ‘Captain’s Call’ to the clearly bewildered and obviously disappointed pupils. Read more »

In solidarity with the those in the world’s most despised demographic, WH has decided to ‘come out’ as an old white male. WH enjoys exercising the white-male privilege that Whaleoil provides for him by writing the occasional post challenging climate change consensus; looking at random tech issues that tweak his interest, as a bit of a tech nerd; or generally poking the borax at anyone in public life who goes on record revealing their stupidity. WH never excelled on the sports field because his coaches never allowed him to play in his preferred position on the right-wing. WH also enjoys his MG.

To read my previous articles click on my name in blue.

Tagged: