Satire

Whaleoil’s top 12 most important women of NZ 2018.

You may all recall, a little while ago the most prestigious BBC put out a list of their Top 100 Really Important Women, which somehow included Nanaia Mahuta because she had some scribble on her chin and had been troughing for the last 22 years. I summed up the award in a post back then, but in case you missed it, please feel free to pop along for a look at why Nanaia is as important as a Samoan who can drive a boat!

Well we here at Whaleoil figured that as so many of our wonderful women had missed out on getting the BBC gong, we would promote a list of our own, a satirical one. Please note, not all the quotes are real!

So without any further delay, here are the Whaleoil Top 12 Really Amazing Super Duper Important Bestest Women of New Zealand for 2018, and coming in at number one is… Read more »

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Climate Stupid 101: The most important things to understand about this urgent problem

Hi Kittens

Welcome to Stuffed University where Captain Crock will lead us through Climate Stupid 101. This is an important subject, so important we will not brook criticism, of any kind, by anybody. This is strictly facts, all facts, absolutely no matter-of-facts.

“Earth’s warming is largely related to the quantity of greenhouse gases in the atmosphere. These absorb heat from the sun as it is reflected off the earth’s surface and send it back again.”
Professor James Renwick, a climate scientist at Victoria University Wellington, says this process is akin to having a blanket on a bed.
“A thicker blanket, a warmer body; a thicker blanket over the earth, a warmer earth.”

So, there you have it, Stupids. The earth’s atmosphere is a blanket, except it’s not. The atmosphere is hugely gaseous, a blanket hugely solid. The atmosphere enhances convection while a blanket suppresses it, but they are the same, so sayeth Stuff. No correspondence will be entered into.

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Confessions of a Trans Vegetarian

*Satire

Vegetarian woman

I haven’t always been a Trans vegetarian but I have admired vegetarians for years. I have wanted to be a vegetarian since I was a young child but it simply was not acceptable back then. It is quite frankly a relief to come out of the closet and claim my identity as a Trans vegetarian.

I have always admired vegetarians. It takes a lot of guts to stick it to the man and to reject meat it all its delicious forms. Vegetarians are principled people who often care deeply about animal rights and who have transformed their lives in order to live healthy, meatless lives.

Until the Trans movement came along I had no hope at all of claiming my identity as a vegetarian as there were too many barriers for me to overcome in order to call myself a vegetarian and to take my rightful place with my vegetarian brothers and sisters.

For a start I hated vegetables.

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British democracy for dummies


*Satire


How to run a British Democracy.

There are many types of democracies out there, but with its long history and complex unwritten constitution, British democracy is like no other – so I’ve compiled a short guide so you at home can run your democracy the way the British run theirs!

STEP ONE:
Give away most of your decision-making abilities to foreign bureaucrats.

If you’re in the government, or an elected representative of the people, making decisions is hard, and if you make the wrong one then you might find yourself kicked off the gravy train by an ungrateful public! So how do you get around that little snag? Simple – get Johnny Foreigner to make your decisions for you!

Don’t know what trade economic decisions to make? Let Brussels decide! Immigration causing problems? It’s no longer your problem! Want to regulate business but don’t want anyone to see you doing it? Why not sign up to European regulations!

Handy tip: Whatever you do, make sure NOT to consult the public! Don’t worry, no one will notice your economic union slowly turning into a political one…

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Sesame Street character’s ‘offensive’ name to be changed

Satire

Republished with permission from U OK hun


A spokesperson for Sesame Street International has confirmed that the character Big Bird will soon be renamed as it is an offensive term for ‘fat woman.’

Although the iconic member of the cast will retain his original name outside the United Kingdom, all episodes that are broadcast here will soon have the name ‘dubbed out’ and replaced with ‘Steve.’

A source said, “We tried a number of alternatives, but we were unable to get approval from Ofcom in the UK.”

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Single-use condoms added to banned list

Satire


Shoppers won’t find single-use condoms in Countdone stores from October 1 – they’ll be off the shelves.

Countdone is removing them from all stores and replacing them with a range of alternatives including celibacy and abstinence.

Sustainable Coastlines co-founder and lead Hamden Howsitt said single-use condoms were commonly found on New Zealand beaches. Read more »

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Face of the day

Sir Bill English

*Satire

Knighted for services to the Labour party.

Losing 2002 so badly National only had 27 MPs and it bedded in Labour for another couple of terms.
Losing the coalition negotiations by being a complete dickhead in 2017.

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Andrew Little on the PM’s failure to discipline

Just 15 short months ago Andrew Little posted this on the Labour Party website. Quote. Read more »

The secret diary of Jan Thomas

Satire


Monday

Dear Diary

my neighbour Manawa told me today how upset she was when her boyfriend told her that he doesn’t like pork and puha. I have learned from my extensive study of Maori culture that pork and puha is a traditional Maori dish and it worries me deeply that her pakeha boyfriend would treat Maori culture with such disdain. I have never eaten it myself but I am sure that it is delicious.

Tuesday

Dear Diary

Edward the pommy postman and I were chatting today and he was upset at the outcome of the Maori ward vote and said that my university should not have allowed people to argue against them as it diminished the value of Te Tiriti o Waitangi. I agreed with him and said that my university was not a place for anti-Maori sentiments as they might influence the hearts and minds of my students and it is my job to protect them. I promised him that we would do better in the future.

I have an intimate family dinner planned for Sunday and my son has told me that he is bringing a young woman to it to meet his parents. I am so excited as I think this could well be my future daughter-in-law!

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Ardern’s speech ‘leaked’ to Whaleoil

Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern winking gif

Satire.


 

Dear proletariat.

We are proud of what I have accomplished in our first year after the previous nine years of neglect by the previous government.

In the last year, I have successfully managed to kowtow to Greenpeace and have destroyed the provinces occupied by greenhouse gas producing, water consuming cows. Oh, and I also dealt to those cows with mandatory cullings.

Speaking of cullings, my dearest flatmate Claire accepted the resignation letter that happened to slide in front of her following a conversation in my office. That was a hard thing to bear, but I remain hopeful that Meka will whakaingoatia shortly (which is Te Reo by the way).

You see, we are a coalition that stands for cuts.

Cut out pay rises, cut cows, cut charter schools, cut free speech, cut single-use plastic bags, cut off any option of repatriating the terminally ill Bali holidaymaker, cut guest appearances on scheduled TV slots, cut cabinet ministers, cut business confidence, cut important ties with 5 Eye partners. We did this!

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