Satire

A Whaleoil investigation: Who killed Paddles?

There has been much talk about the seemingly ordinary death of a cat called Paddles. Sure, the cat was owned by the Prime Minister, but the tipline has been running hot with all sorts of allegations.

The first question that jumped into my mind when I heard the terrible news was “where was Gareth Morgan last night?”    Read more »

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You are not going to want to miss any of this

It is time to buy a ticket to the best show in town. You have seen the movie Legally Blonde and now here on Whaleoil over the next three years we will bring to you the new Kiwi Reality politics show. A thrilling series that will consist of countless posts all about the ” positively ” gorgeous new PM, Jacinda Ardern and her sidekicks.

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Face of the Day

Meet Gary Morgan.  The Man At The Top at Roy Morgan Research.  He may be, in the end, the most powerful influencer of how this election turned out.  His company’s poll came out with the exact right numbers for right-leaning voters.

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Wanted Whaleoil Interns: Boy have we got a deal for you!

It is the chance of a lifetime folks.

2017 Whaleoil CAMPAIGN FELLOWSHIP

The Whaleoil campaign fellowship is a unique opportunity to immerse yourself in New Zealand politics. The fellowship is modelled on a similar programme run by the New Zealand Labour Party. Fellows will be instructed in the fundamentals of a successful hit job and will build their own accommodations out of items found in local inorganic rubbish collections.

Fellows will be invited to all expenses paid Whaleoil dinners with Whaleoil Staff at McDonald’s where they will benefit from special access to the brilliant minds behind the blog. Although we are unable to compensate our fellows financially the Whaleoil campaign fellowship will stand out on your C.V. and we will be happy to serve as a reference upon successful completion of the fellowship.

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A new version of the YMCA classic hit

 

The YMCA used to stand for Young Men’s Christian Association but now the song goes something like this…

Y.M.C.A
Mount Roskill Village People

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I’m sure they meant to say, Fee paying Women’s learn to swim programme

screenshot-whaleoil

It is ridiculous enough to become a meme. The Auckland council’s spokesperson denied the existence of Muslim Women’s Swimming lessons, refused to answer my questions about them and said that they provided Women only lessons that all women were welcome to sign up for.

The women only swim times are not limited to women of the Muslim faith.

That is what he said but this is the WaterSafe swimming programme registration form:

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Cry baby gets his wig back, and a leaked memo arrives in my inbox

Cry Baby of the year Phillip John Smith has won his case to get his wig back.

Justice Wylie strikes again:

Balding murderer and sex offender Phillip John Smith has won a legal challenge against Corrections over a decision to take away his toupe.

Smith this month took the Department of Corrections to court because they prevented him wearing a hairpiece ever since he used one as part of a disguise to flee to Rio de Janeiro in November 2014.

At the time of his escape, he was on a temporary release while serving a life sentence for the 1995 murder of the father of a 12-year-old Wellington boy he had been molesting.

In a decision released on Thursday, the High Court at Auckland ruled the department had failed to take into account Smith’s rights under the Bill or Rights Acts.   Read more »

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If Whaleoil did to Hager what Hager did to Whaleoil

I was just minding my business walking along the beach when a chap calling himself CookedFish handed me a thumb drive. It contained “leaked” information from a hack he had done on the extreme left, controversial, trust fund baby and Marxist writer Sticky Nicky Hager.

I had heard about the hack through political circles and since I was already (conveniently) writing a book on the topic of Marxist writers who are Trust fund babies who are controversial, I had put some feelers out hoping to make contact with the mysterious figure known only as CookedFish.

Trying to hide my excitement I rushed home and slowly made my way through eight years worth of alt-left Hager’s personal and private communications. It was shocking stuff.

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Guest Post – “Insult”, “Outrage” as Calls Erupt to Refuse US Ambassador’s Credentials

Jesus O’Nazareth in an artist’s depiction of the infamous “Temple Incident”

The man heavily tipped as President Trump’s choice for New Zealand ambassador, former Judean itinerant teacher Jesus O’Nazareth, was scalded and slandered across the country by all prominent, less-than-prominent, and even the very-little-more-than-meaningless, anti-US grand-dudgeons possessing a shoulder-chip, access to wifi and a twitter handle on Sunday.

When approached by our twelve-year-old, trained and skilled, journalist, a founding-member of the Islamic Women’s Council of NZ (Halal-o-tea-roa) claimed Trump’s choice would be insulting Muslims in this country, especially Muslim women, and she would be texting ‘outrage’ about the pending appointment amongst her easily-offended online cohort as soon as her husband granted access to her smartphone again. Her irritation was ignited after hearing of O’Nazareth’s ignominious and hugely inappropriate display of public nudity; when confronted with the much-touted rumour that Jesus had actually been nailed up outdoors against his express wishes, and was offered very little in the way of choices for clothing, our informant (who wished to remain bigamous) claimed it had been a publicity stunt on the part of O’Nazareth.   Read more »

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A miracle medicinal breakthrough

Guest Post

In breaking news, professor Far-age (PHD, MEP School them in Brussels) and professor Trumpter (PHD, Towers University built in NY) have announced a major breakthrough in the fight against the virus progressivess liberaltitist. (PL Disease)

As most of you are aware, the single most dangerous virus of the 20th and 21st Centuries, PL disease, has had far-reaching consequences for western society, producing instability and the spread of associated diseases globalitis and entitlilisteletism.

As professor Far-age explains – “Part of our breakthrough has been identifying the root cause of PL disease. Through a forensic examination of thousands of suffers, we have established that the virus enters the spinal cord of the victim and shuts down the rational and logic portion of the brain. Of course, that makes it easy for us to establish whether a patient has PL disease – all we need do is ask the patient some logical questions – eg. “Why do you call white males racist?” The usual response will be to call you, the questioner, a misogynist racist with fascist tendencies – just for questioning their definition – unfortunately, the victim may also try to spit on you or even physically assault you – so be very wary of those you think may be infected!”

Professor Trumpter also pointed out: “ After establishing what the virus was doing to victims, it was a relatively easy task to find the origin or loci of the infection – many will be unsurprised that the Universities of Cambridge and Oxford in the 1950’s are the first known sites of the infection – though there is some evidence to suggest that a gentlemen born in the late 19th century – a Mr Lean-on, may in fact, be the starting point.” Read more »

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