The Whaleoil Dictionary

Credit: Luke

A face I could punch all day long A phrase commonly put after the name of someone whom Whaleoil doesn’t like, eg “Nicky Hager has a face I could punch all day long.”

A face like a gum digger’s dog A phrase commonly put after the name of someone who isn’t good looking.

A serious journalist A reference to Rachel Smalley who, upon starting work at NewstalkZB, described herself as “…the only serious journalist who works there.”

A sump of Oilers A gathering of two or more Oilers.

ABC Club Anyone But Cunliffe, as in to lead the Labour party.

Almond fusser A virtual signaller who will go to extraordinary lengths to prove they are more environmentally vegan chic than others. Often associated with chardonnay socialists.  Can also be used as a verb, eg “She was almond fussing.” Eg “Jacinda is someone who so constantly thinks of others that she once woke in the middle of the night worried she was out of milk for her morning cup of tea. So, she got up and decided to soak some almonds at 2 am, just to make almond milk at dawn.”

Ardern Fanciers’ Club Labour party supporters who think that Jacinda Ardern is leadership material.

A newspaper A nickname for the New Zealand Herald newspaper, created when it stopped acknowledging quotes and articles it used from Whaleoil, e g instead of saying “blogger Cameron Slater said” it would say “a blogger said” and instead of saying “an article on Whaleoil” it would say “a blog post”. In response, Whaleoil stopped acknowledging all NZ Herald content, instead crediting it as coming from “a newspaper”.

Angry Andy A nickname coined for Andrew Little after an angry outburst soon after he was made Labour leader when he told John Key to “Cut the crap!”

Beagle ears When women reach a certain age and cease wearing the required support, gravity can play merry hell with the bust line and they lose that perky look.

Big sugar A reference to the food industry which is now under attack by academics just like so-called ‘big tobacco’. Whaleoil predicted years ago that this would happen.

Big pharma A reference to the drug company lobbyists who were hosted at a special dinner by then Labour leader Andrew Little, months before Labour announced their stance to override Pharmac and fund melanoma drug Keytruda.

Blog of the damned A rival right-leaning blog where banned Whaleoil commenters go to whine.

Brown mail Refers to pressure from Maori interest groups; a play on the word blackmail.

Cankles A woman’s fat or swollen ankles.

Cat fancier, arts, lifestyle and travel blogger A nickname for Kiwiblog blogger David Farrar.

CGT capital gains tax

Cock tax A term for a man who is paying child support or paying out their spouse after a separation.

CoL Short for the Coalition of Losers. This is a reference to the 2018 coalition government of Labour, NZ First and Green parties. The coalition did not include the National party even though it received the highest percentage of votes.

Chardonnay socialist A rich, out-of-touch person who believes they can solve all the world’s problems as long as they don’t have to spend any of their own money or even follow the rules they would set out.

Churnalist A journalist who churns out news stories. This has a similar meaning to ‘repeater’ but refers to stories being pumped out as quickly as possible resulting in factual, spelling and grammatical errors.

Crusher A nickname for Judith Collins who was the face of the National party policy to punish repeat boy-racer offenders by crushing their cars.

Crybaby of the week Any individual who has run to the media to complain about something they don’t like or are unhappy about. Similar to ‘pimping the poor’ and can be shortened to CBOTW.

Ctd or Cntd Continued

Cuddling crims A description of any policy that is concerned with the happiness or rights of criminals. A well-known crim cuddler is Labour politician Kelvin Davis.

C4M-ism A world-class rant or sledge against anything that is blatant stupidity by a sitting government or local-body member where, while the terminology may at times best be kept to a cowshed, the undeniable truth and humour makes it difficult for the moderators to delete. Harks back to much-enjoyed Whaleoil commenter ‘Cows4me’.

Dancing on the head of a pin To make a much bigger deal about something than can be warranted reasonably; to use a tiny notion of a whiff of possibility and present it as solid evidence.

David ‘tainted’ Fisher The infamous nickname for journalist David Fisher who took money from Kim Dotcom to write a book about him while simultaneously writing positive news stories about him for his employer, the NZ Herald.

Devoid A female person lacking any form of common sense or sympathy to the older white male, or any white person for that matter. A reference to Dame Susan Devoy in her role as Race Relations Commissioner.

Diddums A word first made famous by Helen Clark. Whaleoil uses it in response to any complaints from the left side of politics.

Dirty politics The title of Nicky Hager’s book based on private information hacked from Whaleoil. The phrase was adopted by Whaleoil and made our own. More recently it has been used by the MSM to try to link untrue rumours on social media to Whaleoil.

Dodgy socialist dam A dam that the Hawkes Bay Regional Council has been trying to fund since 2014 because Trustpower and Ngai Tahu pulled out, saying the risks were too high and the returns too low.

Dumb as a sack of hammers A term that means very stupid.

Explaining is losing A famous Whaleoil saying meaning that if a politician is having to explain their words or actions then they are already losing credibility. This saying reflects the belief that politicians are more respected for standing their ground. Also, see the Rules of politics. This is rule number one.

‘Fake News’ Fisher A nickname for NZ Herald journalist David Fisher. He gained this moniker after falsely writing in an article that Whaleoil published a photoshop of Jacinda Ardern’s husband (sic) in a tutu.

Fat-bastard tax A tax on an overweight person instead of on so-called unhealthy foods. For example, a fat-bastard tax on passengers on a plane would mean that they are charged extra for every kilo they are over the average body weight, in the same way that they are charged for extra luggage. Alternatively, they could be charged (to avoid embarrassment) for the total combined weight of themselves and their luggage.

Feral Someone who acts in an uncivilised way. A famous example was the West Coast man who drove his car while drunk, smashed into the bedroom of a house and killed his friend who was a passenger.

Figjam (F* I’m Good, Just Ask Me) A nickname for Simon Power, a former New Zealand politician. He was a member of the National party and became minister of justice in the 2008–2011 National-led government.

FIFO Fit in or f* off.

Flip flop This refers to a political party or politician changing their stance on something.

H1 A nickname for Helen Clark, a former prime minister who later went on to lead the UNDP.

H2 A nickname for Heather Simpson, a mysterious woman who once haunted the beehive but who did not appear during the National party nine-year reign but has magically reappeared during the Ardern era.

Having a conversation A reference to a common saying of Jacinda Ardern’s, which means that nothing will actually be achieved. It is similar to the phrase “I have established a new working group.”

He irons his shirt with a wok A phrase that means the person is overweight.

He has the body of a half-sucked Throatie A phrase that means he is very thin and without muscles.

Hey Clint A nickname referring to Gareth Hughes, aka UFO boy or The Man Child, who did not know what the Green party position was on an issue and had to ask Clint Smith, a spin doctor), eg “Hey, Clint, are we pleased?”

Hitman Hipkins Minister of Education Chris Hipkins who, in a heartless manner, terminated the contracts of partnership/charter schools.

Hit job A term describing an attack on another political party, usually using the MSM or a political blog to get the message out. A hit job is one where there is a separation between the source of the story and the media that runs the story. For example, the Labour party have asked via email for Labour supporters to send them examples of personal problems with education or housing and then, a week or so later, negative stories about those topics appear in the MSM as if the people who complained came directly to them instead of to the Labour party.

I have the body of a finely tuned athlete A humorous way of saying that you are overweight.

Left-wing tears of impotent rage A phrase used when celebrating a Whaleoil triumph. It means we have succeeded in upsetting people on the left and there is nothing they can do about it. (Apart from creating a conspiracy to hack us in an attempt to subvert an election, of course.)

Lycra force field The magical force field that protects Lycra-clad cyclists from harm because they think that the road rules do not apply to them. Examples include cyclists who run red lights and get hit as a result.

Kumara Bill Refers to the previous leader of the National party who loves kumara chips and spaghetti-topped pizza.

Man ban The Labour party proposed an enforced 50% female quota, which would have meant the forced ejection of a number of male MPs. Whaleoil coined the term ‘man ban’, which was adopted by the media.

Man card A term used for when someone does something usually considered unmanly, eg buying a pink car or eating tofu or mung beans.

‘Martyn Martin’ Bradbury A nickname coined for the blogger Martyn Bradbury after Whaleoil revealed that he was enrolled to vote under two different names on the electoral roll for two elections. He was enrolled as both Martyn Bradbury and Martin Bradbury.

Mr Jan Trotman A nickname for Winston Peters.

MSM Mainstream media

Mr X is Colin Craig and the interviewer who interviewed Colin Craig, who was also Colin Craig. Mr X and the interviewer were in a pamphlet posted out to every home in New Zealand by Colin Craig. The interviewer interviewed Mr X and the transcript of the conversation between Mr X and the interviewer was in the pamphlet. Mr X used foul language and referred to Cameron as Cam.

Colin Craig told the media that Mr X was someone who knew Cameron Slater well. Media speculated about who Mr X was. Some thought he was Martyn Bradbury. Colin Craig was later forced to admit that Mr X was a made-up persona and the interviewer who interviewed him was also himself. He called it creative licence. We called it defamation. Colin Craig has never met Cameron Slater.

New Zealand’s favourite grandmother A nickname for Maggie Barry.

Oilers One of a number of names for Whaleoil readers, followers and fans. Alternatives are Whale Army and Ground Crew.

OWM Old white man (or male), also derogatorily called ‘pale stale male’.

Pinkos People on the left of politics who are not full-blown red communists but are tinged with pink. Also the nickname for David Farrar as in ‘Pinko’ Farrar.

Pimping the poor A popular meme created on Whaleoil for the discussion of articles in the media where a ’poor person’ is found and used as an example of why the government are doing a bad job. A pimp sells his prostitutes and journalists sell these poor-me stories. Often a quick check of the ‘poor person’s’ Facebook page reveals holes in their stories of poverty.

Political retard A politician who has said or done something stupid, politically.

Poverdy (or Poverdee) When Jacinda Ardern is talking about poverty.

Rules of politics The rules as devised by Cameron:

  1. If you are explaining, you are losing
  2. Utu is good, even necessary
  3. Never hug a corpse: it smells and you end up smelling like the corpse too
  4. Always know where the bodies are buried
  5. Don’t let mongrels get away with being mongrels
  6. Don’t mess with The Whale
  7. Never wrestle with pigs; two things are for certain if you do: you will get dirty and the pig will enjoy it
  8. Never ask a question if you don’t already know the answer
  9. Speak plain and speak simple
  10. Remember, I’m telling this story
  11. Never trust a politician if you aren’t close enough to them to hit them in the back of the head with a bit of 4×2
  12. Never trust a politician with a moustache or a hyphenated name

Ratf**king Undermining or ruining someone’s reputation. Not a personal profanity but an actual political term. Google it.

Rent-a-quote Someone who will give a quote to the media that suits the media’s spin but that may, in fact, be the opposite of what the person has said previously. An example of this is economist Shamubeel Eaqub who gave two totally different views on renting with one being positive and one negative.

Repeaters Journalists who print, almost word for word, the contents of press releases or other people’s work.

Right-wing blogger A nickname for journalist Fran O’Sullivan.

Road maggot Someone who rides a pushbike. A well-known example is Trevor Mallard. They are mocked for not contributing to the cost of the roads, not being courteous to other road users and for looking silly in Lycra. An alternative is road lice.

Scribble-face A person who has had their face extensively tattooed to compensate for their lack of mana.

SFNS (Silly First Name Syndrome) The theory, backed up by independent research, that people with unusual names are more likely to lead a troubled life through injury, incarceration or an early death.

Shallower than a car park puddle Often used to describe a politician’s depth of knowledge. The full saying is ‘Shallower than a car park puddle in the height of summer.’

Shifting the deck chairs on the Titanic On Whaleoil this usually refers to a reshuffle of political portfolios by a leader that will make no difference whatsoever to the outcome. It refers to a political party being doomed no matter what changes they make.

Shine some sunlight This phrase means that Whaleoil is going to investigate and reveal something that others would like to remain hidden in the darkness.

Silent T A derogatory nickname for Labour MP David Cunliffe suggesting there is a ‘T’, that isn’t pronounced, in his surname after the ‘n’, hence silent.

Socialist Cindy A nickname for Jacinda Ardern.

Sock puppet Someone who fires the shots for someone else. For example, if a Whaleoil reader said something complimentary about Whaleoil on a left-wing blog s/he might be accused of being a Whaleoil sock puppet. It is an insulting term because it insinuates that the person is not speaking as an individual but is being controlled by someone else.

SOCKS Some Other C**t’s Kid. Coined in the earlier days of Whaleoil, now explained as Some Other Cad’s Kid. It’s the concept where a child is murdered or assaulted by a man who is not the father but the mother has chosen to live with him, frequently placing her own needs and safety before the child or children.

Tired and emotional A term used to describe someone who is in actuality drunk or has been drinking. First used to describe MPs in the debating chamber.

South Island chapter The southern think tank of Whaleoil known to hold regular meetings over coffee at its headquarters ‘The Quarry’.

Soy boy Derives from the negative effects soy consumption has been proven to have on the male physique and libido. The average ‘soy boy’ is a feminist, non-athletic and likely reduces all his arguments to labelling the opposition as ‘Nazis’.

Soyman A nickname for Simon Bridges referring to the way he speaks, as well as his non-aggressive approach to holding the government to account.

Student politician A nickname for Jacinda Ardern.

The Bloggers’ Union A tongue-in-cheek response to an issue in the news to do with unions. Whaleoil announced its creation with great fanfare and was taken seriously. It retrospectively made all bloggers members as it believes in compulsory unionism.

The fairy princess A nickname for PM Jacinda Ardern.

The Ferald A combination of the words ‘feral’ and ‘Herald’ to make a derogatory nickname for the New Zealand Herald newspaper.

The Media party A Whaleoil meme to describe how the media act like a political party in opposition to the National government due to the woefully poor performance of the Labour party. It is a way of saying that, essentially, due to the gap left by an underperforming opposition, the MSM have stepped in to counter and criticise the government. They have made it their job so they have become a political party.

The minister for redactions A nickname for Labour MP Clare Curran in her role as spokesperson for open government.

The Moroney effect Referring to the effect on voting that Sue Moroney had whenever she switched electorates of increasing the majority of her new opponent. Broadly in politics referring to the ability of a politician to have the reverse effect to their opponents, eg making their opponents look better just by being there.

The silent assassin A nickname for John Key.

The Three Troughketeers Due to legal action no definition can be provided.

The vast right-wing conspiracy A creation of left-wing conspiracy theorists. The term is used regularly by Whaleoil which has made the description its own, much like homosexuals adopted the word ‘gay’. Also abbreviated to VRWC.

The Vile One A pejorative term for the failed US presidential candidate Hillary Clinton who still hasn’t worked out what happened.

Toxic the quality or state of being true, eg “He was a toxic blogger and not afraid to point out that the emperor had no clothes on.” Synonyms: veracity, truthfulness, verity, sincerity, candour, honesty and genuineness.

Trained and skilled A condescending, almost satirical, term used to describe workers at The Herald, initially, but has been used to describe other journalists. It comes from when John Drinnan tried to put Cam in his place by stating that Cam wasn’t “trained and skilled”.

Trougher Any person who takes public money. This list includes public servants but is used in a derogatory sense when describing unwise, excessive or essentially personal spending of public money. Coined to invoke the idea that there is a trough full of ‘free’ taxpayer money with the troughers surrounding it like greedy pigs competing to slobber up as much of it as they can. Some troughers are rewarded with a digitally altered photo where their nose is replaced by a pig’s snout.

Two-fathers A nickname for someone with a hyphenated name.

Village of the damned A nickname for Christchurch.

Virtue signaller Someone who says or does something for effect rather than having a genuine belief, motivation or concern.

Watermelons A political party who are green on the outside but red at heart.

Weasel words Words that say little or don’t mean what they say, eg “It is just more corporate weasel words with no promises for anything other than more weasel words and meetings.”

Witless protection programme A scheme whereby useless Labour ministers are shielded from answering questions lest they make complete fools of themselves

WO The abbreviation for Whaleoil or Whale Oil Beef Hooked, which is the full name of the blog.

WOBH An acronym for Whale Oil Beef Hooked (origin: Gaelic, especially old Irish). Say it slowly with an Irish accent.

Wrongly Wrongson A nickname for Martyn Bradbury, lead blogger at The Daily Blog and active political activist at the far left. He was so wrong about the 2014 election that none of his predictions came true, earning him the nickname.

18 August 2016 edition

9 May 2018 updated

Credit: Luke

 


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